FanPost

Know the Opponent: Orlando Magic Edition

Editor's Note: Barnesgasm is our pre-game nonsense-spitter these days. Here he is with a breakdown of the Orlando Magic, whom the Knicks play tomorrow night at 7:30. If you like what you see, check out The Son of Dippin. If not, then you fucking suck.

#1, Trevor Ariza: The best way to guard Trevor is by placing him in front of a full length mirror, which he will fly into, thinking he sees another Trevor Ariza.

#30, Carlos Arroyo:  Carlos's tremendous court vision isn't due to training or a high basketball IQ. In fact, it is because Carlos, like a common housefly's eye, is composed of thousands of tiny eyes each taking in their own images.

#40, James Augustine: James Augustine forces the team to carry a translator to translate from James Augustine language to English.

#10, Keith Bogans: On January 17, 2005, in a game against the Milwaukee Bucks, Keith Bogans had an upset stomach. In what would go on to be called "The Upset Stomach Game" in Charlotte Bobcats lore, Keith played 16 minutes off the bench, scoring 6 points and grabbing 2 rebounds in a 99-92 loss.

#5, Keyon Dooling: Keyon likes to intimidate his opponents by bringing a live female cow onto the court and sucking a gallon of milk straight from the udder, and then yelling "THAT SHIT WASN'T EVEN PASTEURIZED".

#31, Adonal Foyle: Many think that Adonal's distinctive accent is due to his upbringing on the Carribean island nation of St. Vincent and the Grenadines. In reality, it is just because Adonal is 3/8 retarded.

#8, Pat Garrity: Pat's love for basketball is surpassed only by his
love for canteloupe.

#13, Marcin Gortat: When Marcin left Poland for the United States, Marcin's entire village gathered to wave him goodbye. His wife, tears in her eyes, walked up to him, kissed him on the cheek, and whispered "you, Marcin, can be the next Maciej Lampe".

#12, Dwight Howard: Every time the Magic play the Wizards, Dwight Howard makes a joke about how the idea of the Magic being confronted by Wizards is ironic, since wizards are practitioners of magic. The Magic play the Wizards four times a year. Every year. And occasionally in preseason. Every single fucking time.

#9, Rashard Lewis: Rashard Lewis was the jewel of this year's free agency pool. He chose Orlando not because they were the only team willing to give him a max deal, but because he wanted to stay close to his longtime girlfriend, Minnie Mouse.

#14, Jameer Nelson: Jameer calls his house "Meerkat Manor".

#45, Bo Outlaw: Bo doesn't wear his goggles due to an eye injury or poor vision. They are in fact a type of primitive exoskeleton.

#7, J. J. Redick: Like Spider-Man, JJ was bitten, and took on some of the characteristics of the thing which bit him. Unfortunately, he was bitten by an enraged Jason Kapono.

#15, Hedo Turkoglu: Whenever Hedo orders a turkey sandwich, he weeps.