Meet the Magic!
#1 Trevor Ariza- Trevor wears his jersey extremely baggy to hide his 6 extra arms.
#30 Carlos Arroyo- The Magic brought Carlos in last year not for his point guard skills, but rather to play the part of Chino in their team production of "West Side Story".
#40 James Augustine- James enjoys playing cards on the plane with his new Magic teammates, but is disappointed that no one ever wants to play UNO with him.
#4 Tony Battie- If you pronounce Tony's last name "BAT-tie", he will come into your bedroom at night, wait until you're asleep, and then eat your face.
#10 Keith Bogans- After basketball, Keith plans to host his own series of Tae Bo videos.
#5 Travis Diener- Travis thinks that all the water-fetching and bag-carrying he's been doing for the veterans is just part of being a rookie but, in fact, he will be treated this way for the rest of his career.
#5 Keyon Dooling- Because of the repair costs that would ensue, Keyon has had to abandon his lifelong technique of burrowing under defenders.
#8 Pat Garrity- Pat lets Coach Brian Hill use his hair gel in exchange for playing time.
#33 Grant Hill- Contrary to his nice guy image, Grant is the leader of a notorious crime ring in the Orlando area. He also got Travis Diener addicted to meth.
#12 Dwight Howard- Dwight's sperm has a pH in the negative 20's. It can eat through a brick wall and is highly explosive.
#31 Darko Milicic- Before he hit a big growth spurt and discovered basketball, Darko was paving a career for himself as Serbia's finest horse thief.
#14 Jameer Nelson- Jameer sleeps with a well-worn red teddy bear that he calls Delonte.
#45 Bo Outlaw- Bo wears goggles at all times to prevent his piercing optic rays from harming teammates.
#7 J.J. Redick- The Magic coaching staff has had to remind J.J. several times not to pop the collar on his warmups.
#15 Hedo Turkoglu- Though it doesn't say so on his birth certificate, Hedo has been alive since the year 12 B.C.
Those are your Orlando Magic. Game thread coming tomorrow. Peace.