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Know the Opponent: Chicago Bulls

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Meet the Bulls!

#35 Malik Allen- Most NBA fans don't know that Malik is the league's most avid proponent of S&M. He posesses a wide array of weapons and contraptions and frequently holds bondage parties.

#15 Martynas Andriuskevicius- Martynas is actually an unusually tall 9th grader from Missouri named Marty Anderson. Scouts wisely suggested the name change to better his chances of being drafted.

#11 Andre Barrett- At halftime, Bulls assistant coach Pete Myers changes Andre's diaper.

#42 P.J. Brown- The urban legend that little children who don't finish their vegetables get kidnapped, tortured, and eaten by P.J. Brown is a myth. He doesn't torture them.

#9 Luol Deng- Luol got his British citizenship not to play for the national team, but with hopes to someday become Sir Luol Deng.

#21 Chris Duhon- When Chris plays "Duck, Duck, Goose", he always forgets to make someone the "goose", often going around in circles for several minutes before everyone just gives up on the game.

#7 Ben Gordon- Ben's career statistics, if rearranged and deciphered, are a clue to the whereabouts of the Holy Grail.

#44 Adrian Griffin- Though he seems rather quiet and well-mannered to the unsuspecting viewer, Adrian has been known to very subtly taunt opposing players with words so calculated and cruel that tears are sometimes shed.

#12 Kirk Hinrich- Kirk keeps his hair somewhat shaggy to hide the evil, profanity-spewing face on the back of his head.

#38 Victor Khryapa- Scott Skiles bought Victor his own ant farm to distract him and keep him from complaining about minutes.

#5 Andres Nocioni- Andres has added numerous tricks to further bolster his reputation as a dirty player. He frequently uses static electricity to startle opponents, and conceals a shank in his waistband for use while boxing out.

#2 Thabo Sefolosha- Thabo has avoided suspension in every basketball league he's ever played in by proclaiming himself "neutral" when a fight breaks out.

#50 Michael Sweetney- Like many players, Mike plans to stay with the Bulls organization even after he retires. Mike would like to coach or work in the front office, but the Bulls have quietly opened up a spot for him on the Matadors dance team.

#24 Tyrus Thomas- Now that he's left LSU, Tyrus has actually put some weight on his bones because Glen Davis is no longer stealing his meals.

#3 Ben Wallace- Though Coach Skiles wouldn't let him wear his headband on the court, Ben has kept himself happy by wearing it out to dinner, to church, and to bed.

Those are your Bulls. Game thread coming your way shortly. Peace.