With the season coming to an end, the Knicks have hired me to conduct exit interviews with each player. What follows is my transcript and notes from one of these interviews. More to come.
Seth: Nate, please come in.
Nate: (note: enters room on Razor scooter with one orange wheel and one blue wheel.) Sup, playa.
Seth: Please, have a seat.
Nate: (Folds up scooter and tucks it into special carrying case backpack. Flips my office chair backwards. Sits)
Seth: Alright, Nate. The purpose of this meeting is to review your 2006-2007 season and discuss what you meant to the team, and how you can improve in the future. Anyway, let's start with some good things. (note: while I'm saying this, Nate is spinning around in his chair.) First of all, we love your energy. Even though it's been a rough season, you always seem to keep your head up and have fun on the court. We love your enthusiasm and boy, oh boy, did you have some highlights this year. Remember when you blocked Yao Ming?
Nate: Do I remember it? I had a t-shirt made! (unzips jacket to reveal t-shirt with printed photo of him blocking Yao Ming)
Seth: Ha! How about that? That was a fun moment. Gotta love that energy...
Nate: Word. You want one? (produces a second t-shirt from his scooter bag)
Seth: Oh...no. That's alright. I'm fine, thank you.
Nate: Oh c'mon man! Your kids can wear it! Just take it.
Seth: No, really. Hold on to it.
Nate: Take it.
Nate: Take it. Take it. Take it. Takeittakeittakeittakeittakeit.
Seth: FUCK! Fine. Gimme the shirt.
Nate: Hell yeah.
Seth: Anyway. Let's talk about some of the things we weren't as pleased with this past year. For one thing, your statistics hardly improved at all. Your points and field goal percentage went up slightly, but your assists and three-point accuracy both descended. We know you have the skills, Nate, and we'd like to see you become more of a distributor when you're out there.
Nate: Yo, are you kidding? I'll take you right now, partner.
Seth: Excuse me?
Nate: Let's go. I'll take you one-on-one.
Seth: That's not really the poi-
Nate: I can beat you in any sport. You wanna play soccer? Let's play soccer. You wanna rollerblade? Get your blades and I'll race you down the hallway. Let's go.
Seth: No. No. Forget it. That does bring me to my second point, though. While we love your energy, there are times when you need to tone it down a little. For instance, you badly missed a bounce-to-yourself dunk in a game this year. You could've just gone for the simple layup, you know.
Nate: What can I say, broseph? New York wants to see Nate Robinson be Nate Robinson.
Seth: Nate, the game was in Cleveland.
Nate: EVERYBODY wants to see Nate Robinson be Nate Robinson, okay?
Seth: Right. How about the time you picked a fight with J.R. Smith and got suspended for 10 games?
Nate: (note: Nate has emptied out the jar of Mike 'n' Ikes on my desk and is picking out the green ones) Picked a fight? He started that shit.
Seth: I don't know that that's true, Nate.
Nate: Whatever. I can't let him go fouling Mardy like that.
Seth: Actually, Mardy fouled J.R.
Nate: Whose side are you on, bro!? I'll fight you right now!
Seth: Ah. That won't be necessary.
Nate: I think it will be necessary, amigo! (kicks chair backwards, plants one foot on my desk, and lunges at me. I duck and he goes crashing through the window to the pavement three stories below)
Seth: (out window) Holy shit, Nate! Are you alright?
Nate: Shut up and drop down my ride!
Seth: His...ride...oh. (I locate his scooter bag and drop it out the window to him.)
Nate: (unsheathes and unfolds scooter.) Peace, BITCH. (Rides away.)
That concludes the first of my exit interview files. Be on the lookout for more in the upcoming days. Peace.