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The Exit Interviews: Renaldo Balkman

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With the season coming to an end, the Knicks have hired me to conduct exit interviews with each player. What follows is my transcript and notes from one of these interviews. More to come.

Seth: Mr. Balkman, you may enter.

Renaldo: (enters room accompanied by what appears to be a goat) Yooooo, Seth. What's happenin!?

Seth: Welcome, Rena--(on closer inspection, the goat has the head and arms of a human female. I drop my pen in surprise.)--What the fuck is that!?

Renaldo: Oh, my bad. This is Carol. She's a centaur. Say hi, Carol.

Carol: Hopeloplopo. Thopanopkopsop foporop hopavopinopgop usop. (Carol walks away and begins to examine the family pictures on my bookshelf)

Seth: Uhhh...hey. Anyway, Renaldo, please sit down.

Renaldo: Thank you. Do you mind if I smoke?

Seth: No, go ahead.

Renaldo: Gnarly. Gracias. (lights up)

Seth: Alright, well we're here to talk about your 2006-2007 season, what you mean to this team, and how we think you can improve in the future. So let's start with the positives. You never cease to amaze us, Renaldo. We took a lot of flak for drafting you so early, but you've silenced the critics. We love your rebounding, your hustle, and your overall enthusiasm for the game. You've got what it takes in here. (I point to my heart)

Renaldo: (coughs) Word.

Seth: That said, we think you're still pretty raw as a basketball player. You've got a great nose for the ball and a tireless motor, but your skills need some work. We'd like you to spend this summer working on defensive footwork and hitting the mid-range jumpshot. These skills cou--(Renaldo has picked up the jar of Mike 'n' Ikes on my desk and is holding it up to the light) Renaldo, are you listening?

Renaldo: Yo, where's all the fuckin' green ones?

Seth: Oh, well Nate was just in here. Those are his favorites.

Renaldo: No way! The greens are my favorite too! Snap!

Seth: Yeah, it's amazing. Anyway, like I was saying--

Renaldo: Yo, you want a brownie?

Seth: Excuse me?

Renaldo: (presents a Ziploc bag of brownies) A brownie. You want one?

Seth: Renaldo, we're here to talk about how you need to become a more confident shooter.

Renaldo: I know, I know. Just try one. I made them myself. We'll talk about my shooting after.

Seth: Fine, brownie me.

Renaldo: (hands over a brownie) Atta boy. Now don't eat it all at--

Seth: (I gobble it down in one bite)

Renaldo: Once.

Seth: (wiping crumbs off my face) Mmm. This is delicious!

Renaldo: I thought you might like it.

Seth: Alright, now where were we? Your shooting. Right. See, I think if you starting hitting shots with some consistency, defenders will have to respect you more on the outside, and you'll have more opportunities to drive to the-- Whoa. (Renaldo has suddenly grown a second head. All of his dreadlocks are long, orange snakes, and they're all smiling at me. Carol the centaur is in the corner of my office strumming "Norwegian Wood" on a sitar.)

Renaldo: I told you they were good brownies.

Seth: Your hair, dude. It's...snakes.

Renaldo: (coughs) Snakes!? Snakes! Ha-ha! Hahahahahaha!

Seth: Hahahahaha!

Carol: Hahahahaha!

Renaldo's Orange Hair-Snakes: Hahahahaha!

Seth: Hahaha. Ohh man. (the room begins to get darker. the laughing echoes in my brain.) Haha. Hahaha...(my head hits the desk.)

...

(I wake up with a start. No one is around me. My office smells foul. My jar of Mike 'n' Ikes is empty. There are two empty pizza boxes on the floor.)

Seth: Aw, fuck. We never got to talk about his defense.

That concludes the second of my exit interview files. Be on the lookout for more in the upcoming days. Peace.

Previous exit interviews:
Nate goes out the window