stingy d's: guide to a fantastic feel

hello.  everyone has been asking me:  stingy, how do you get to feel so fantastic?  well, folks - aside from naturally having the softest skin you could possibly imagine - it's not as easy as it seems.  in fact, it is a leathery tough job.  but there is most certainly a way.  so with a few quick tips and quips, i'll attempt to show how you too can feel fantastic!  let's begin then, shall we...


in order to get the ball rolling let's examine an average american week.  in america there are seven days in a week.  five of these days usually involve some sort of school or work environment.  two days, known as "weekends", bookend the five "weekdays".  so basically what you have is 5 days of utter boredom, anger, repulsion, confusion and stress-ridden nonsense - surrounded by two days of people trying to destroy the feelings involved of the past week and incubate themselves from the week to come.  it's really sad and bizarre.  yet some folks enjoy what we call the grind.  which is fascinating and (again) bizarre.  perhaps you suffer from some of the pratfalls of the american week.  perhaps you have been curious about how to gain your very own fantastic feel.  well, friends, here's what you do...


in order to have a fantastic feel, you must first start with getting cleaned up nice and proper.  it's the only way to start a day.  apply your very own eau d'antoni.  and prepare to clyde oneself.  you want to look sharp in order to feel sharp.  your clydes should be crisp and neat.  the colors and textures should relate to your personality, and how you plan to feel on the given day.  far from home?  maybe wear some darker colors to imply a deeper rooted sense of strength.  whatever you do, just know that there should be no expense spared on one's appearance.  once you are settled.  we can move on.  i'll wait...........


ready?  ok.  a good way to have a fantastic feel is to pretend you own two companies.  one company should be strong and successful, filled with power and finesse.  the other should be your sleek and tricky gambler, sometimes it makes money and sometimes it doesn't.  but it  never loses money, oh no!  it just doesn't know how.  this wild card company will run around wreaking havoc and filter all the positive gains through to the monolith you have developed and nurtured into a behemoth on the block.  these two companies make you the bull goose looney.  and nobody wants to mess with the bull goose looney.  imagine!??


ok there, have a step back, let's take a look.  that's right!  you look and smell fantastic!  i mean really quite wonderful.  the confidence you exude really brings up my spirits!  i want to be around you!  i think we can really have a wonderful relationship, you and i.  pause.  i don't even desire to be the bull goose looney, oh no my friend.  i want you to be the bull goose looney, and i'll just back you up.  when there's tough times, i'll be here for you no matter what happens!  that's right, you are fantastic!  and i'm so excited to see you here!  you are a real champion of the people!  


you know what!?  if you really want to feel fantastic - you know what you should do is take the day off!  take two days off in fact.  in the middle of the week, no less.  yea thats the ticket!  go out and have a drink with a lady on monday evening.  lay low on tuesday.  stay home wednesday and thursday.  nothing bad happens on friday.  so today and tomorrow and then the weekend.  things are looking up my friend.  can you feel it?


i know, i know, its been a rough go of things lately.  who hasn't felt the pressures and constrictions of the world at large.  but the air is crisp.  you look great, you smell glorious, you have an assured sensibility about you.  i look at you and i see a sense of importance.  it's instantly recognizable!  i want to please you.  no homo.  i know i have dealt with terrible bouts of CPD (chronic punctuality disorder) - but you fill me with the fire and desire to be on time for whatever happens tonight!  ready, willing and able!  excited and delighted!  


i tell ya boy - if you want to feel fantastic.  you have to make others feel fantastic.  and you make me feel fantastic!!  have at 'em kid.