As I write this, the beginning of free agency is just under 15 hours away. Here are some tips and tricks to bring good luck to the Knicks and to make the anticipation as painless as possible:
1. Don't watch Sportscenter. In fact, don't watch anything with a "ticker", and this includes whatever show it is on E! that displays a ticker of celebrity tweets.
2. In fact, if you're bold enough, avoid most news and rumor sources entirely. Nothing of any substance can take place until midnight, so anybody expressing any degree of certainty right now is questionable...less and less questionable by the minute, but questionable even still.
3. Stay hydrated. Got to.
4. Walk yourself through each of the possibilities. Imagine a world in which the Knicks have two or three of the biggest free agents. Imagine a world in which they have none. Learn to accept both.
5. When the sun reaches its zenith, bring one crazy straw and one male adult goat (of any breed) to the nearest lake or pond. Slit the goat's throat and empty its blood into the lake. Remove the goat's horns and hooves (for ointment-making purposes). Using the crazy straw, drink the entire contents of the lake.
7. Do what Toney Douglas do. During any moments in which you aren't doing what Toney Douglas do, repeat the phrase "Do what Toney Douglas do" aloud. If you don't plan on doing either of these things, then get "Do what Toney Douglas do" tattooed on your lower back.
8. Avoid the states of Illinois, Florida, California, and New Jersey at all costs. Oh, fuck.
9. Have a drink with dinner. Nothing major. Just have a little something to take the edge off: wine, beer, a mixed drink, Kool-Aid laced with arsenic...something to settle the nerves.
10. Feel free to comment in this thread to share your thoughts and concerns. My goal is for the entire P&T community to achieve a state of zen-like indifference in the hours leading up to July 1st. This way, we'll all realize that we're Knicks fans no matter what happens. Also, it makes it easier for me to rob all of you.
I'll update y'all with news or rumors if I see fit (I very likely will not see fit). Otherwise, have peaceful, fruitful days, and I'll see you all tonight. Hugs and kisses.