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P&T Lockout Lifestylez: Indoor Bugs

During this horrible, terrible lockout, we at P&T will use our free time to get to know each other better and learn from one another by sharing the non-Knicks aspects of our being. As often as I can manage, we'll take on a new topic and whatever nonsense comes with it.

Today's topic: Bugs invading your home.

Bugs outside really aren't a problem, at least not for me. I'm not allergic to or afraid of any little critters, so I generally either ignore or appreciate those insects and arachnids that I encounter in nature. I avoid bees, sure, and swat pesky gnats and mosquitos (fuck mosquitos), but I consider myself to be mostly a friend of the bugs. The exception to this is when a bug is persistently obtrusive. Over the summer, for instance, I was eating a pizza outside and a li'l housefly simply wouldn't leave me and my pizza alone. I warned him or her that if he or she did not let me and my pizza be, I was going to kill him or her. It simply wouldn't stop buzzing around me and my food, so, after waiting patiently for a minute or so, I caught it in a moment of stagnation and lopped off its head with a butter knife. I wasn't proud of the murder, but I felt it justified (and also pretty fucking baller. It was the swiftest, cleanest decapitation you ever did see.)

But anyway, outside bugs are mostly fine with me. I definitely wouldn't disturb one of any kind unless it disturbed me. Inside bugs are a slightly different story. I aim to leave indoor bugs alone, but certain circumstances compel me to take action:

- If I'm trying to sleep and there's something buzzing around, it must be dealt with.

- If I am bathing or using the bathroom or am otherwise naked in some way, any nearby bugs must be dealt with. I don't know why I'm especially sensitive about this, but I am.

- Bugs need to leave my food alone.

- If there's a bug around and my black lab is in the room, I point the bug out to her and she tries to catch it with her teeth. It's really fun.

Now, by "take action", I usually mean catching them and putting them outside. I don't think of myself as somebody who feels really strongly about a bug's livelihood. It's just an exciting challenge to collect and release a bug without mishap, and it makes me happy. I usually sequester the bug against a wall with a cup, then slide a piece of paper between the bug and the wall and carry the bug outside between the cup and the paper. If I'm feeling lazy or in poor spirits, I'm just as likely to swat a fool.

Some other indoor bug anecdotes:

- When I was a junior in college, there must have been a colony of ants behind my desk, because there would always be a single ant ON my desk. It was as if they kept sending messengers up to investigate the outside world. I'd smoosh 'em, but that never deterred them from sending emissaries up to my desktop. I had a weird relationship with those ants. I wonder if they thought I was God.

- When I was about five or six, the biggest bug I've ever seen showed up on our kitchen floor. My mom said it was as big as a Buick (I later learned that was an Annie Hall reference), and I think somebody dropped a phone book on it.

- There used to be crickets in our basement. They jumped. I can't handle jumping. I was fucking terrified of those crickets, and I once abandoned a really important Tekken 3 battle because the crickets were getting too rowdy.

So, I think that's pretty much my approach to indoor bugs. Indoor bugs get ignored, unless they're meddling in my affairs, in which case I catch them and bring them outside, unless something precludes me from doing that, in which case I kill them, unless they are crickets, in which case I flee. It's very much on a case-by-case basis, now that I think about it. We're also not talking about full-on infestations. That's a different story entirely, and one I thankfully haven't experienced (unless you count the ant friends, but I don't).


- What's your approach to indoor bugs? Are there any bug qualities or situations that would lead you to make one decision over another?

- If you do catch bugs, what's your method? If you swat bugs, what's your strategy there?

- What are your best indoor bug stories? Y'all are from all over the world. Some of you must have encountered some weird-ass bugs.

- Have any of you ever eaten bugs?????


Photograph the next live bug you see and post it in this thread. This might be tough in the cold weather. No cheating.


Anthony Carter is a beetle.