There's a whole state made out of gold? Word?
What's up with the Warriors?
Well, I wasn't able to get in touch with the Golden State of Mind bros in a timely enough fashion, but I did notice that the Warriors won in a slow, defense-heavy affair against the Bulls on Monday. We mustn't assume that they'll be those familiar, happy-go-lucky, defenseless Warriors of recent history.
Oh, and last I heard, Stephen Curry is a game-time decision.
Update: A few words from Poor Man's Commish of GSoM!:
- Signing of Fesenko gives us size we haven't seen in GSW frontline since perhaps Joe Barry Carroll and whomever was the pf back then.
- Kwame Brown showed flashes last game vs Bulls. We're hoping that trend continues. Also Biedrins is playing better.
- Lamenting Steph Curry's ongoing ankle problems.
- We like what we see from Brandon Rush.
Meet this year's new Warriors!
Kwame Brown- As part of an effort to change his image, Kwame insists that everybody pronounce his name "kwaym" this season.
Kyrylo Fesenko- Kyrylo was signed just yesterday by the Warriors, and will not be able to join the team until his contract with the Odessa Stumpthumpers of the Ukrainian Moose Polo Association (UMPA) runs out.
Charles Jenkins- Now that he's in California, Charles is hoping to start a YouTube-driven hip-hop dance craze called a "Jenking". It involves a lot of "hip waggles".
Dominic McGuire- Dominic insisted that his contract with the Warriors offer a cash incentives for every burrito he could successfully snatch from courtside patrons without them noticing. The Warriors were indignant, then skeptical, then too curious not to agree.
Brandon Rush- Brandon would not have signed with the Warriors if not for an appallingly immature sense of physical space and object constancy. He's been overcome with regret since learning that the 90-foot deep "party hole" he dug in his backyard in Indiana could not come with him for the move.
Ish Smith- Though it often gets extended to "Ishmael", Ish's name is actually short for "Shit".
Klay Thompson- Because of some incredibly thorough and focused hazing by his teammates, Klay is convinced that an upside-down visor is a mandatory part of an NBA uniform.
Jeremy Tyler- Due to his habit of shoving unfamiliar objects up his nose, Jeremy is forbidden from approaching the pre-game buffet until everyone has served themselves.
Chris Wright- Chris is not, in fact, a person, but Dorell Wright's imaginary friend who "drives a hot air balloon" and is "always willing to share his cheese sandwiches with his friends". The Warriors "signed" him in an effort to curb Dorell's tantrums and night terrors.
Poaching Mark Jackson's Play Calls
New York scouts have been studying and relaying Mark Jackson's play calls and his players' on-court response to establish a connection and give the Knicks a strategic edge. Here is some of the intelligence they've acquired:
Play call: "YOU TALK ABOUT TWO-HAND TOUCH DAVID LEE WITH THE LEFTY FINISH ROLLING TO THE RIM I'LL TAKE THAT THANK YOU PLEASE BIG DADDY GIVE HIM A HAND"
Action: David Lee screen-and-roll.
Play call: "MOMMA THERE GOES THAT MAN MONTA ELLIS SNEAKING INTO YOUR HOUSE AND TAKING YOUR BELONGINGS YOU TALK ABOUT BACKDOOR ACTION THIS IS THE NBA SON GRAB A BISCUIT AND TAKE IT TO THE BANK WITH YOUR BAD SELF"
Action: Monta Ellis baseline cut.
Play call: "YOU TALK ABOUT SNIPING ENEMY AT THE GATES GO GET 'EM YOUNG MAN YOU'RE BETTER THAN THAT DEFENDER HAND DOWN MAN DOWN ONCE TWICE THREE TIMES A LADY IN REDD FOXX IN SOCKS"
Action: Dorell Wright corner three.
Adventures in Impersonating Andris Biedrins on Omegle
(Back by unpopular demand)
Stranger: hey
You: hello
You: my last name is biedrins
You: how do you suppose that's pronounced?
Stranger: b-rins
You: really?
You: like bee-rins?
Stranger: yeah
You: what about the d?
Stranger: some people don't pronounce all the letters in their name. i figure you were one
You: oh, well you pronounce the d
You: and the "s" is more like a "ch" or a "sh" or some weird non-english sound in between those two
You: oh and the "ie" is divided into two syllables
You: it's a source of much confusion
Stranger: yeah it is :/
You: whatever
You: at least i have really shiny hair
Stranger: well thats just wonderful
You: it is indeed!
Stranger: ok bye
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
Jerome Jordan's Top Ten Things He Encountered on the Plane to San Francisco
1. In-flight pretzels
2. This really funny thing Landry Fields said about it being very cold or something
3. Limitless
4. Neck pillow
5. The apes I saw out the window on the Golden Gate Bridge that Bill Walker said weren't even real apes but I know they were
6. This cloud that looked like a ram
7. This other cloud that looked like a four-leaf clover but with five leaves
8. The Tourist
9. A lot of clouds that just looked like some clouds
10. Bill Walker's farts in my mouth while I was trying to sleep
And now you're ready for Knicks-Warriors! Sorry for the late post, y'all.