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Celtics 113, Knicks 96: "I think my eyes are bleeding"

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That one was pure pain and misery from jump street. Traditionally, every time I've written a recap, I've gone through each player to give my impression of his impact on the game. That would not make sense in this case, however, because every player who made an impact on the game seemed to be wearing green tonight. Paul Pierce (ugh) and Ray Allen combined to shoot approximately 99% from the floor, including 99.5% from beyond the arc, and Rajon Rondo had one of the gaudier triple-doubles in the history of the NBA playoffs.

The Knicks aren't beaten yet, though. So what if the letter has been written (game one), signed (game two), and placed in an envelope (game three): It hasn't been mailed yet. And you know what? Game four is on Sunday, and as Vernon Dursley once exclaimed; "No post on Sundays!"

I've now confused myself further. Ozraider said it best in the headline quote. Watching this game was worse than watching pterodactyl porn, because pterodactyls don't give up as many offensive rebounds.

Jump for prolonged sadness.

Let's do a Q & A session to analyze the game.

Did Amar'e Stoudemire play? Yes!

Was he effective? LOL! No. Whether it was due to his back spasms or not, Stoudemire struggled in every facet of the game. Minus 34 in 33 minutes is awful, drawing four free throws is terrible, shooting 2-8 from the floor is horrible, and grabbing three rebounds is atrocious. Listen, Stoudemire had to play for lack of better options, and knowing that he was hobbled, it was good that he only took 8 shots. But he was bad, and there's no other way to look at it.

Did Chauncey Billups play? No!

Was that a big deal? Well, Knicks point guards combined for 3 assists during this basketball game and gave up 20 assists to the opposing point guard. Chauncey's calm demeanor was missed greatly, Toney Douglas played almost as badly as Landry Fields (and that's saying something), and the Knicks guards were thoroughly humiliated.

Did Landry really look that bad? Hell yes he did! Check out his box score and you will be fooled. Landry Fields looked like a Junior Varsity hockey player tonight. He did not fight through screens very well, he looked atrocious offensively, and generally looked scared to be there.

Did Bill Walker shoot 0-11 again? Nope, he was one of three Knicks with a positive impact on this game (the others being Shawne Williams and Anthony Carter. What fucking dimension is this?). Walker, Carter and Williams's box scores are all deceiving. They all scrapped for balls pause, and all finished with positive +/- ratings, and that seems about right.

So Carter was pretty damn good, huh? Sort of. He played four minutes and was +10. Juxtaposing his play with Ghostface's, this might be Exhibit A for the prosecution in the "People v. Mike D'Antoni" trial. Speaking of which...

Does this mean Mike D'Antoni should be fired? In my opinion, no. I was tweeting all night with Bandwagon Knick about the merits of Mike D'Antoni in this series: he did the defending while I did the scrutinizing. Basically, I think Pringles hasn't been great with his personnel choices in this series and he's gotten beaten up on inbounds play calling. These are legitimate gripes. However, that does not necessarily mean a coach with his resume should be fired. Let's dissect this more closely before we make irrational decisions. That being said, everyone is entitled to their opinion, so long as you keep in mind that you are not right or wrong and neither is the person you are telling to shut up.

How about Carmelo Anthony? In game 2, Melo had four scrubs surrounding him and he worked some magic because those scrubs were playing pretty well. This game? Nearly every single scrub had an off game. So, 5 turnovers, 25% FG, minus 27. I mean, you could tell he was trying, and his supplementary stats (11 rebounds, 6 assists) were excellent. Unfortunately, perfume covered in shit still smells like shit.

How was Jared Jeffries? Someone mentioned this in the postgame comments (bluecheese999), and it is downright terrifying: Jeffries has outscored Stoudemire in two consecutive games!

Wow! So he was really good?! No! Again Jeffries was asked to guard Rajon Rondo. This time he was terrible at it. Also, if you re-watch the game, I don't think Jeffries received the ball a single time without bobbling it. He had a dunk and about three blown lay-ups.

Why didn't Ronny Turiaf play more, he looked decent besides the fouls, no? I don't know. Probably some aching something.

How was Roger Mason Jr? He played alright in garbage time and hit two consecutive threes, but overall his participation was of little consequence.

Can you sum this all up in a couple of phrases? Sure! Outgunned & Undermanned, Can't buy a rebound.

Is that all for the Q & A? Yeah.

Well folks, that was horrible. The Celtics jumped out to a 9-0 lead and never really looked back. Sure the Knicks got within about five around the middle of the game, but I can personally guarantee that I will never re-watch the second half of tonight's game. Boston shot too well for the Knicks not to show up, and everyone should be disappointed in them.

Please be civil to each other, everyone is very angry. If I missed anything major about this game and if this recap isn't as in-depth as expected, I sincerely apologize. Like you, I am heartbroken right now and need some time to get over it. Sunday is Do-Or-Die. Let's hope the Knicks elect the former.