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Pre-Game Reconnaissance: Knicks vs. Suns- 1/18/12

Sons? Of whom? Oh, SUNS. Still...what?

What's up with the Suns?

From East Bay Ray of Bright Side of the Sun:

Believe it or not, it was only a week and a half ago that the Suns and their fans were feeling pretty good about themselves. It looked like the team might be turning the corner after a slow start to the team's offense, and the Suns were sitting at 4-4 after destroying the Blazers and Bucks at home on January 6th and 8th. Then came a 99-83 loss in LA to the Lakers, which was actually a close game until the offense collapsed down the stretch, and the wheels fell off. The Suns haven't won since and a couple of the losses have been ugly (losing to the Nets at home and getting annihilated by the Bulls without Rose). There isn't much positive to say about the team right now.

Steve Nash is still playing at a high level, and amazingly continues to lead the league in assists per game despite the dearth of quality finishers surrounding him. Marcin Gortat has quietly become an above average center, although the fact he leads the team in scoring is mostly an indictment of the impotency of the rest of the scorers. The others in the starting lineup should be bench players. This team simply needs more talent.

In the past, the Suns were iffy on defense and rebounding but would have a puncher's chance against superior teams if their shooters had big games bombing away from 3. Their defense and rebounding aren't much, if at all, improved but now the offense doesn't even have much chance to outscore a team.

The Suns' 4-9 record and #13 position in the West are well-deserved.

Meet the new Suns!

Shannon Brown- "The Brown Identity" is a book Shannon is writing about his life as a fugitive from Kobe Bryant, the man who trained him and now wants him dead.

Markieff Morris- The only way to tell Markieff apart from his brother Marcus is by presenting either of them with a bouquet of flowers and asking for an appropriate receptacle. Markieff says "vayz" and Marcus says "voz".

Ronnie Price- Ronnie carefully selected and distributed a different Disney villain-themed Pez dispenser to each of his teammates for snacking on the road. When Ronnie found out that Robin Lopez (Hades) and Hakim Warrick (Cruella Deville) had traded theirs, he kicked Lopez in the shin and locked himself in the team bus until they agreed to trade back.

Sebastian Telfair- Sebastian's wanted ad for a 30-foot tall man who will allow Sebastian to sleep in his outstretched palm each night has received zero legitimate responses on Craig's List since he posted it in 2008.

Adventures in Impersonating Robin Lopez on Omegle

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!

Stranger: Hi r u a horny female

You: no, but from a distance i kind of look like one

Stranger: ok

You: and i have a gender-ambiguous name

Stranger: what

You: robin

Stranger: cool

You: i think you'll find that my hair is very soft to the touch

Stranger: Nice

You: my beard, too

Stranger: cool

You: i could call up my brother, too, if you like

You: he's also got a girl's name

Stranger: im good

You: ok good, he's in bad shape anyway

Stranger: K

You: he broke his foot

You: i worry about the kid sometimes

Stranger: that sucks

You: it does

You: i often wonder if it's his punishment for always being a buttface to me though

Stranger: lol

You: like tying my hair to a mail truck

You: that shit's not cool

Stranger: lol so do u like dick or pussy

You: comic books

Stranger: what r u talking about

You: i like comic books

You: also saved by the bell

Stranger: r u gay jw

You: no except for spiderman maybe

You: i'd let spiderman web me

Stranger: cool

Stranger: I like big tities

You: nice

You: i really like kingdom hearts

Your conversational partner has disconnected.

Knicks-Suns Connexions

As you well know, there's plenty of history between Knicks and Suns personnel. Let's run down the list:

- Knicks forward Carmelo Anthony and Suns guard Shannon Brown employ the same dog acupuncturist, Dr. Chloe.

- Both Suns forward Josh Childress and guard Ronnie Price have, on separate occasions, stepped in a puddle of Bill Walker's urine.

- In 1996, Knicks guard Landry Fields traded two Kudos bars and a Capri Sun (Coastal Cooler) in exchange for a basketball card depicting Suns forward Grant Hill, then with the Pistons.

- Knicks guard Toney Douglas has a recurring nightmare that Suns coach Alvin Gentry keeps trying to Facebook chat him even though they aren't friends.

- A high school classmate of Suns guard Steve Nash's wife bears a striking resemblance to Knicks forward Steve Novak's dentist.

The Fifth Annual Meeting of the Phoenix Society of Aged Basketball Players

Steve: Hey Grant, this is Michael. He's new here and I thought he might enjoy our meetings.

Michael: Hello.

Grant: He...Steve, I thought this was just going to be the two of us?

Steve: Well, Michael's pretty old as well, and I just thought he'd have something to bring to the table.

Michael: Check this out. [crouches, one knee makes a popping sound and emits a cloud of dust]

Grant: Impressive. And how long have you been in the league?

MIchael: Well, I've--

Steve: Grant, don't harass the new guy. He's plenty old, I swear.

Grant: I'm not harassing! I'm just making conversation! Say, MIchael, remember Loy Vaught?

Steve: Grant, stop.

Michael: Yeah, sure, that guy on the Mavs? He kind of sucked.

Grant: Ha! Yes, guy on the Mavs. This guy is great, Steve. Great find.

Steve: Grant, don't be rude.

Grant: Please, Steve. I'll have you know, Michael, that Loy Vaught was a pretty gifted scorer in his day. Really let me down in Detroit, though.

Michael: Detroit? You were on th--

Steve: Careful, Michael.

Grant: THE PISTONS!? Is that what you were going to ask? Yes, I was on the fucking Pistons.

Steve: Grant...

Grant: What are you, 30!? This is the PSABP, not fucking amateur hour.

Michael: I'm--

Grant: Get this child out of my sight.

Michael: I jus--

Grant: NOW.

Steve: Michael, let's go. Real cool, Grant.

Grant: "That guy on the Mavs." Fucking kids. I miss Shaquille.

And now you're ready for Knicks-Suns!