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Pre-Game Reconnaissance: Knicks at Rockets- 11/23/12

Prepare yourself for Knicks-Rockets!

Jayne Kamin-Oncea-US PRESSWIRE

What's up with the Rockets?

I asked my friend Tom Martion from The Dream Shake and here's what he had to say:

The Rockets are a bit of a mess right now, though this mess is far more watchable than those in previous years. They're the youngest team in the league, so chaos is to be expected at times. The turnovers are high, the ball movement is lame and when James Harden isn't on the floor, this team struggles to score. Omer Asik will grab every rebound in sight, but don't worry - he'll probably miss the put-back layup. Marcus Morris has been a pleasant surprise off the bench as a shooter and scorer. Chandler Parsons must have rented Danny Granger's three-point stroke while Granger remains injured. Jeremy Lin couldn't hit matter if he jumped out of a plane. Terrence Jones isn't playing enough. Patrick Patterson is on fire in the post, but he's a rebounding liability. And Toney Douglas hit the game-winning three-pointer against Chicago at home despite shooting 28 percent from the field this season.

The 2012 Rockets: Just enough chaos to keep them in any ballgame.

Unfortunately, they haven't found a way to win many of the close ones yet. Should be fun either way.

Meet the new Rockets!

Cole Aldrich- Corner threes in front of the Rocket bench are actually among the more difficult shots in basketball because Cole carefully covers that area with his spit.

Omer Asik- Omer is excited to be playing in a place where he can have a deep, even tan all year round.

Daequan Cook- The Rockets would not have asked that Daequan be included in their trade if they knew about his insistence on using a litter box.

Carlos Delfino- The only reason Carlos shoots less than 99 percent from the field is that NBA games are played with a synthetic leather ball as opposed to the varnished oak cube he uses at home.

Toney Douglas- Four months in, Toney still hasn't finished reconstructing the blanket fort he had to dismantle and transport with him from New York to Houston.

James Harden- The center of James's beard is warm, molten milk chocolate.

Terrence Jones- The league has informed Terrence that his preferred form of shot defense-- lifting the hoop and swinging it from side to side while an opponent is trying to score-- is impressive, but illegal.

Jeremy Lin- Since his meteoric rise to fame, Jeremy has rejected requests to use his likeness in a set of inspirational place mats, an in-flight safety video, a foreign language curriculum for gerbils, and a video game about him taking a nap, among other things.

Scott Machado- Scott routinely cries while eating breakfast because he just loves breakfast so much.

Donatas Motiejunas- Donatas has autographed more Gladiator DVD cases than he has basketball cards.

Royce White- People dismayed at Royce's airing of personal matters on Twitter would be appalled to see how revealing his Club Penguin account is.

Adventures in Impersonating Jeremy Lin on Omegle!

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!

Stranger: hi

You: hey

Stranger: i like trees

You: i do too

Stranger: do you like potatoes

You: mostly, yeah. depends on the preparation

Stranger: i prefer mashed potatoes and deep fried

You: yeah those are great

You: i have to keep my starch intake down during the season, though

Stranger: i like sponge bob he is amazing and adventure time and the amazing world of gum ball is pretty cool as well ilove them sooooo much if i could do one thing it would be marry finn of adventure time omg he is sooooooooooooooooo sexy <333333 xxxxxxx *kisses*

You: i haven't seen much of adventure time but i love spongebob

Stranger: do you think finn is sexy?\

You: i'm not sure which one finn is

Stranger: awwwwh your poor thing i feel sorry for you he is this guiy who lives in a world that is AMAZING he has blonde hair that he hides behind a hat his best friend is a yellow dog that can transform shapes they are sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo sexy <333333333333333333333 xx * kisses*

You: wow!

You: i wish i had a yellow dog for a friend

You: especially one who could transform into shapes

You: my best friend here is toney and he can't transform into any shapes except middling combo guard

Stranger: my best ffriend nita is awesome and she can transfrm into a stripper

You: that's pretty cool

You: one of my friends loves strippers. he might like nita

You: does nita like huge bushy beards and mohawks?

Stranger: yeah she has wet dreams abu

Stranger: ot them

You: yeah it's my friend

You: i don't have a beard or a mohawk

You: but that's cool

You: i'll tell james about that

You: he'll be happy to hear it

Stranger: are you a guy or a girl me and nita want to know *kisses* xxxxx

You: i'm a guy

Stranger: we are girls

You: cool, i figured as much

Stranger: but i wanna be a boy they are gangsta

Stranger: as brooooo

You: being a boy is cool i guess

Stranger: tell me about i wanna get to know my new self im having a sex change to night im thinking in gonna be called BOB

You: bob?

You: you get to pick any name and you pick bob?

You: haha

Stranger: dont be mean to bobby hes special okay *lisses* xx

You: ha, ok sorry

You: i'm just saying there are much cooler names

You: sorry if i offended you

You: i don't have a very cool name either, if it makes you feel better

Your conversational partner has disconnected.

Toney Douglas visits the Knicks locker room!

Hey everybody. What's up?

You guys listening to music? Ha ha, that's cool. I remember that was a thing we all liked to do together.

What's J.R. doing? Oh, he's listening to his own music on headphones. He can't hear me.

I wonder if it's rap music.

Hey Carmelo, how are you? Cool sneakers, man. Ha ha, he's busy. Okay.

Where's Landry? He must be using the bathroom.

Good to see you, Steve. Steve, remember how we used to sometimes play basketball together? Recorder? Oh, no, I'm not a reporter. I don't carry a recorder. Ha ha.

What's Raymond doing here? I thought he...? The thing with Carmelo? Nevermind. Hi Raymond.

Hi Tyson. Yes, they traded me to Houston. We have a basketball team here, too. The Rockets. We wear very similar clothes except they're red. Yeah. Oh, were you talking to the person behind me? Sorry about that.

I see some of you guys are eating meals. I remember how we used to eat meals before games. Sometimes after games, too.

Some great meals.

Love those meals.


Did you guys know Jeremy plays basketball with me here in Houston? You guys remember Jeremy, right?

Nobody? He has brown eyes, I think. He's about my height.

I changed my number this year. That's a cool thing that happened in my life.

Okay, you guys have a lot going on, I see. I'll come back later.

Jim Todd Pep Talk!


guys. these rats we're meeting tonight they have a weakness. can't believe nobody's mentioned it. i was watching a video tape and i noticed the top rat who scores all the points has a big beard. a whole mess of fuzz just hanging off his chin like an overgrown fig bush. well it's like they told us in guam back in 78 you don't run around with a beard unless you want your enemies catching you with velcro mittens. they said that. so even though nobody asked me i went ahead and made you some velcro mittens. i've only got one and a half pairs because the girl at famous footwear said there was a limit on how many childrens sneakers i could buy which is bullshit. but yeah i figure jason you can have the pair since you're gonna be chasing that goddamn beard rat around and i'll give one of the mitts to ronnie too. when the critter gets close to you you just swipe at those stupid bristles. the hooks'll snag the loops and you can subdue him. wait jason what glove size are you. i made them to fit my hands but i just realized i have very tiny hands. this might not work.

And now you're ready for Knicks-Rockets!

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