More like whore-nets. What?
(This'll be a short one. Today's another extremely busy day, I'm afraid.)
What's up with the Hornets?
From my dear, dear friend Rohan "Cruyff" of At The Hive:
Basically, there's not much you need to know other than: we are bad. Take a lottery team and remove its starting point guard, starting shooting guard, starting power forward, starting center, and backup power forward, and you have the Hornets (as of the past few games).
New Orleans passed on a lineup of Jarrett Jack/Kevin Martin/Trevor Ariza/Luis Scola/Emeka Okafor with Lamar Odom and Goran Dragic off the bench (PROBABLY a playoff team, but who really knows) to assemble the current debacle they've got going (don't be surprised to see Al Aminu guard Amar'e Stoudemire tonight, for real). But, weirdly, I'd do the Clippers trade over the Lakers one every time. The Lakers deal granted the Hornets a perennial 6-8ish seed team that would gradually fade away, cap issues preventing the team from significantly building on the core. The Clippers deal granted the Hornets a chance to maybe build towards a title team some day, via Eric Gordon and the Hornets' own awesome pick as a reward for being terrible. And I get that fans just want to see wins sometimes, especially in a season like this, but if you're not building towards a title, at some point, however far in the future, it all seems to me just a bit silly.
There are really two ways to build a title team in today's NBA - (a) suck tremendously, draft elite players, and hope things come together before said elite players decide they might want to leave, or (b) pick off those elite players from the teams they're leaving. The second option isn't realistic in the slightest for a team like New Orleans; players like Carmelo or Dwight or whoever else are only going to try and force their way to a select few teams* in the league. The Hornets are not one of those teams, nor will they ever be. So it's back to option (a) again. It failed with Zo, it failed with Grandmama, it failed with CP3, and it feels more than a bit sisyphean and deranged to think it will work with Eric Gordon and Anthony Davis or Jared Sullinger or whoever else... but it's all we have.
*not hating here at all, that's just the way life goes sometimes.
So yeah. That's it. This season has made us all quite zen in a lot of ways. It's all just kind of a dream - Ariza bricks, Vasquez turns over, the team announces Gordon's out for another month. And repeat. I haven't legitimately rooted for the Hornets to win a game since April. The losing doesn't sting, the winning doesn't inspire.
There's the All-Stars and the bright lights and the highlight reels, and then there's the dark side. This is the dark side. Go Knicks.
Meet the new Hornets!
Al-Farouq Aminu- Contrary to popular belief, Al-Farouq's first name is spelled that way because his mother originally wanted to name him Alfred, but changed her mind mid-way through telling the hospital attendant.
Gustavo Ayon- Gustavo's teammates are a big fan of his weekly "Miercoles de Queso" celebration. Basically, on Wednesdays, he purchases several pounds of sundry cheeses and allows anybody to sample them provided they fill out a review card afterward.
Eric Gordon- Eric's chronic knee injury is due to a habit-- unbeknownst to him-- of leaving his home to prowl around the streets of New Orleans "leapfrogging" pedestrians in his sleep.
Xavier Henry- A lot of people pronounce Xavier's name "zay-vyer" and have it corrected to "za-vee-eh". In fact, it's "shav-a-plas-ex". The "R" is silent.
Solomon Jones- Solomon's "wheatpack" is just a backpack he wears that's full of wheat. He doesn't see the big deal.
Chris Kaman- Chris gave out valentines-- six-packs of heart-shaped armadillo meat patties-- to each of his teammates, but received none in return.
Donald Sloan- Donald insists that the color red should mean "go" and the color green should mean "stop". He has never successfully answered an incoming call on his cell phone.
Lance Thomas- As you read this, Lance is "raising the roof".
Adventures in Impersonating Chris Kaman on Omegle!
You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: I prefer tables and fences, what about you?
You: i prefer snakes and fireworks
Stranger: Katy perry style I see.
You: who's that
Stranger: You're joking me right?
You: no, does she sell fireworks?
You: i'm trying to blow up this van
Stranger: Ok, I see. Kesha style
You: is that also a fireworks/arms dealer?
Stranger: Flo rida, ahaaaa
You: i'm in the market for lots of explosives
You: i want to blow up this van and i want it to be epic
Stranger: You're not even funny, dude.
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
A Secret Note Found in J.R. Smith's New Locker
welcome to new york old friend. i left u some things and there are some things u need to know.
1. there are 3 emergency pizzas taped under the sink in the bathroom. save one for me in case i come back but u can have the other 2 if you need them
2. don't give tyson chandler hugs if he doesn't ask for them even if he looks like he could really use one. he doesn't like that
3. don't borrow tyson's lotion, either. he gets really angry and bill walker's tastes better anyway. shit must be apricot or something
4. melo for some reason doesn't like head massages anymore
5. we're not allowed to have sleepovers on the practice court anymore because i left too many bread crumbs and amar'e slipped one time
6. if u need to borrow somebody's ipod, dan d'antoni's is the best. he's got all that dolly parton shit and he doesn't complain about u getting pizza grease on the screen and stuff
7. ur allowed to park ur bicycle in the hall if u wipe all the peanut butter off the tires first
8. there's a ziploc bag of cheeto dust under the bench. i was trying to fill it up all the way and explode it on the court during a game but i only got it half full. u can keep filling it if u want and u like cheetos
9. the msg luxury suits have surprisingly good ventilation
10. have fun! its just a game u know
that's it man. have a great time in new york and eat this note so nobody sees it.
peace and humptyness forever
And now you're ready for Knicks-Hornets!