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Pre-Game Reconnaissance: Knicks vs. Nets- 2/4/12

"Nets" is short for "Hornets", yes? New Orleans? Oh, New JERSEY. Interesting.

What's up with the Nets?

Well, I couldn't get a response from the NetsDaily folks, but the Nets have been playing pretty well despite their injuries. They've won five of their last ten games, and that's with Brook Lopez, MarShon Brooks, and Mehmet Okur all missing a lot of time. They got an obscene three-point performance from Anthony Morrow (8-11!) last night, but lost to the Timberwolves at home. Oh, and both Shawne and Shelden Williams appear to be starting these days.

Meet the new Nets!

Keith Bogans- Keith spits in the Nets' communal Gatorade cooler not as a sinister prank, but because he thinks it makes the Gatorade taste better.

MarShon Brooks- The capital "S" in MarShon's name indicates that you're supposed to raise your eyebrows while pronouncing the consonant. If you don't do that, he won't respond.

Mehmet Okur- As part of their hazing, Mehmet has the Nets' rookies form an assembly line and stuff grapeleaves for him. He then eats his fill and forces the rookies to stuff the rest in their sneakers while they practice. Oh, and they have to wipe his face.

DeShawn Stevenson- If you look closely, DeShawn Stevenson's neck tattoo of Abraham Lincoln has its own neck tattoo of Calista Flockhart that it got while it was drunk.

Jordan Williams- Jordan celebrated his first NBA contract by opening up a Hammacher Schlemmer catalog, dialing the 800 number, and screaming "I WANT EVERYTHING. EVERYTHING!" into the phone. He now has some air purifiers he'd like to sell, if anybody's interested.

Shawne Williams- To pay homage to his storied one-year career with the team, the Knicks are considering retiring the letter "E".

Shelden Williams- Shelden's new home in Newark has an elaborate system of pulleys and conveyor belts that dress him and brush his teeth every morning.

Adventures in Impersonating Johan Petro on Omegle

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!

Stranger: hiyaa

You: hello

Stranger: do u like art?

You: i do!

Stranger: cooll

Stranger: wanna check out my art page :D

Stranger: [link to Facebook page]

Stranger: ive updated the shizzz

Stranger: haha

Stranger: where you at?

You: hold on im looking at your art page

Stranger: cool :)

You: looks pretty cool

You: i'm in new jersey

Stranger: nicee

Stranger: is that a warmer part of the usa

Stranger: ?

Stranger: here its frackng snow all over the place

You: not this time of the year

You: it's not snowy this year, but it's certainly not warm

Stranger: oo yeah its on the eastcoast

Stranger: close to virginia

You: yes

Stranger: my boyfriend is there at the moment :(

Stranger: for a few months

You: not very close to virginia, but close to like new york

You: oh? does he like basketball?

Stranger: he does!

You: he should come see some nets games

Stranger: he played it in holland

You: theres lots of seats

Stranger: haha invite him to a good match!

Stranger: i think hes more of a player than a watcher though :p

You: ah yes, so am i

You: he could probably play here if he wants

You: is his last name williams

You: how tall is he?

Stranger: his last name is [redacted] :p

Stranger: hes dutch

Stranger: he is pretty tall

Stranger: and pretty ;) haha

You: like 7 feet?

Stranger: 1,95 mtrs

Stranger: dont know it in inch

You: oh thats about 6'4" i think

You: too bad

You: we could use a 7-footer

You: i have to start sometimes

You: it's horrible

Stranger: hmm

Stranger: 2 meters = 78,7401575 inches

Stranger: but he is slighty under 2 meters

You: yeah he's pretty tall

You: we're pretty set in the backcourt, though

Stranger: but its in new jersey

Stranger: not really aroudn the corner :p

Stranger: he lives in waynesboro

Stranger: just a few more months

You: that's true

You: hasn't stopped other people

Stranger: but he would look great on the nets im sure ;)

You: keith bogans lives in a van in the woods and he still came to play

Stranger: hahah

Stranger: die hard

Stranger: well

Stranger: i could pass it on the him

You: thanks!

Stranger: if he like to come and hang out and play some ball sometime

You: yes or just come hang out and eat nutella or whatever

You: i could use some european friends

Stranger: hahah

Stranger: who should i say invited him :p

You: johan!

Stranger: thats a pretty dutch name you know

Stranger: haha

You: yes i suppose it is

Stranger: johan from new jersey

You: but i am french!

You: oh no i just live here

Stranger: there is a foto on my page from Daan

Stranger: aah oke

Stranger: i went to paris with him this summer!

You: i am from paris! it is lovely

Stranger: cool!

Stranger: whats ur age?

You: i'm 26

Stranger: cool

Stranger: and how did you end up in new jersey haha

Stranger: such a fine french man

You: i am here to play basketball!

Stranger: in jersey :p

Stranger: i just know jersey shore hahaha

You: ah yes

You: i do not really know jersey shore

Stranger: well i dont know how far waynesboro is

You: i met kim kardashian once through a friend though

Stranger: but im sure Daan would like to trow some hoops

You: excellent

Stranger: add the fb so we can keep in touch :D

You: ok i dont do facebook much but i'll give it a try

Stranger: haha its a good way to get in touch with people

Stranger: european :p

Stranger: s

You: yes, yes

Your conversational partner has disconnected.

Know Your Williamses!

The Nets have four players with the surname "Williams". Here's a handy guide to knowing who's who.

Deron is the best at basketball.

Shawne is the most adept at pooping in the corner.

Shelden is the oldest.

Jordan is the youngest.

Deron is most likely to be mistaken for a nightclub promoter.

Jordan is the second most likely to be mistaken for a nightlcub promoter.

Shawne has the largest collection of porcelain duck figurines.

Shelden is the fondest of figs.

Shawne is the tallest.

Jordan likes his iced tea the sweetest.

Shelden sleeps the most soundly.

Deron can hold his breath the longest.

Deron can throw a Vortex the farthest.

Shawne cherishes the laughter of others the most.

Jordan has the best balance.

Shelden has the most eerily melodious farts.

Jared Jeffries's Joke Junction!


Q: What do you get when Jordan and Sundiata plant crops?

A: Farmar Gaines!

You know?

Like...farmer gains. Like their crops grow and, as farmers, they've gained something. Oh, come on. Cut me a break. I know that's not how their names are spelled and I know that neither of them is in the agriculture field but-- Hey! Agriculture field! Ha! I'm gonna write that one down. Superb. What were we talking about?

And now you're ready for Knicks-Nets!