What's up with the Sixers?
From my friend Mischa Leffum of Littleby Bobberts:
After having his talent stolen from him by the Monstars, Evan Turner (and Muggsy Bogues, Shawn Bradley, Grandmama, et al) has finally shown the extremely patient and caring fans of Philadelphia that he can put a basketball through a circular thing. There was pretty much a mass shrill from Sixers fans for them to trade Turner for the left bicep of any person in the NBA not named Evan Turner. But thankfully, since Master Hand whoever forced Doug Collins to do it, he's been sterling since being cryogenically inserted into the starting lineup for now-deceased Jodie Meeks. The 42 points he's scored in the past two games are more than he's had COMBINED in the previous 11 games. I personally haven't stopped climaxing since the first quarter of the Celtics game. Messy.
In non-Turner news, the team could still use a center since their current one (Sir Spencer Hawes) is still having his classmates sign his Achilles cast on the bench. His favorite color is purple so use that one if it's not dead. We could use him back - former ruler of the Ottoman Empire Tony Battie has been, uh, starting lately. That at least makes us the most geriatric-friendly team this side of the Mavs. Rookies Nikola Vucevic and Lavoy Allen have been rather surprisingly splendid but against teams that matter, the Sixers could use some more meat inside. I'm thinking turkey pastrami.
Jrue Holiday is just as cute as you remember, but he's not handling the ball as much with Turner around. It's kind of a point guard by committee with those two along with Iguodala and Lou Will sharing all the ball tickling. Some people see this as a problem but I don't see how having more people that can handle the ball is a bad thing, so we're all good on my end.
The Sixers were the cool kids and started the All-Star Break early (losing 5 in a row) and getting back from the Break late (losing 3 of 5) but now that they're fully invested in winning games again, a division win over the Knicks would certainly taste great. Something to keep in mind: they've still yet to win a game this year that's been decided by 5 points or less, so if it's going down to the wire, you can pretty much chalk up a W for yourselves. Shit hits the fan extremely quickly in crunch time 'round our parts.
Meet the new Sixers!
Lavoy Allen- Lavoy is an amateur cooper and made his team an oak Gatorade-aging barrel as a "thanks for drafting me" present. The barrel was put into disuse when Jodie Meeks found a half inch of sawdust at the bottom of his cup and Lou Williams ingested a nail.
Nikola Vucevic- Nikola owns one CD-- Da Brat's "Limelite, Luv, & Niteclubz"-- that he listens to on a very small boombox held directly up to his ear with the volume turned down low. Veteran teammates bought him an iPod and a pair of headphones, but he wordlessly destroyed both in an unauthorized locker room bonfire.
Wanyaldo Wundergaard- Wanyaldo is a fictional player of Nordic and Cuban descent who stands just 6'1" but has a nine-foot wingspan and would fight for minutes at center if he existed.
Adventures in Impersonating Tony Battie on Omegle
You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: Good morning
You: good morning
You: how are you
Stranger: Sleepy and tired
You: gosh, me too
You: i never have to wake up this early
Stranger: early? It's 12 am :P
You: it's 7 AM here!
You: but it feels like 6 AM because of daylight savings
Stranger: I wake up at 7 am when I go to school
You: yeah well i used to do that too
You: but it was a long time ago
You: now i dont wake up until at least 3 PM
Stranger: How old r u ?
You: spend the rest of that time just hanging upside down, peacefully asleep and eating pastries
Stranger: You don't have a job?
You: i sure do
Stranger: How do you sleep till 3 pm then? :P
You: i work mostly at night
You: and even then i don't get asked to do too much
You: because i am decrepit and incompetent
Stranger: what do you work?
You: well technically i'm a basketball player
You: but my job mostly consists of sitting on a bench, making towel art, and staring at children in the crowd
Stranger: don't you got trainings to do?
Stranger: I am a sportsman too...
You: they don't really make me go to them anymore
Stranger: Altho I don't professionally play
You: my flatulence became a problem
Stranger: ah well :S
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
Jared Jeffries's Joke Junction
Q: I wanted to buy a Snickers bar from my friend Andre, but I had no money. What did I do to pay him?
A: I grew a dollar! I...do you get it?
I grew a dala. I goo a dolla. Iguodala. Right? Like Andre I-gu-o-dala? Ha-HA!
What do you mean?
Then how do you pronounce it?
Wait, are you serious? Why has he never corrected me?
Oh man, he must think I'm an asshole. Well, the joke still works. I grew a...Ig-wa...dang, no it doesn't. It was such a good joke, too.
Hey, that's mean. I'm trying.
Steve Novak Has a Beautiful Mind
Why would the Sixers show up on the first day of Daylight Saving time? What are they trying to tell us? We're losing an hour, and...WAIT. If you subtract the "h-o-u-r" from Jrue Holiday's name, then unscramble the letters, you get "JAY LIED". Jay lied! But who is Jay? Do the Sixers mean to tell us that there is, in fact, love in the heart of the city? Or do they mean Jay Mohr? Is this an elaborate Jerry Maguire reference!? IT MUST BE. Fuck Bob Sugar. He did lie, that weaselly little shit.
And now you're prepared for Knicks-Sixers!