The REAL Finals: Josh Harrellson vs. Tracy McGrady

Looky here, Knicks fans, you come to P&T for the real NBA news, the stuff the liberal sports media is too afraid to mention. We're not going to go along with the herd mentality and talk about Tim Duncan's legacy or Dwyane Wade's injuries - that shit is more boring than George Karl standing in an unemployment line. No, the real story in these Finals is the battle of wills between two formal Knicks looking to win their first ring - Tracy McGrady and Josh Harrellson, a.k.a "Jorts". I say "battle of wills" because these two will be dueling on the astral plane; neither of them will be playing much actual basketball. Hell, our man Jorts was released by the Heat months ago. But a ring is a ring, and a Knick is a Knick. And to those of you outsiders who may accuse me of being just another arrogant, delusional Knicks fan, trying to view the entire basketball world through a convoluted Knicks prism, let me say this: how else do you expect me to pass the time before we sign Chris Paul to a $10,000-per-year contract (plus dental)?

So how can we decide which of these magnificent ballers is more worthy to win the title this season? Let's break down their value to this season, starting with Jorts:

I'm not gonna lie folks - that looks pretty bad. It should be noted, however, that halfway through his Heat career - i.e. through three games - Jorts had the highest PER of any Heater, including Lebron. Here's the proof. Clearly he was on his way to a Hall of Fame-type career...until he was cruelly cut after a three-game slump. Even for you, Riles, that's cold.

So why would the Heat cut such a valuable big? I do believe there was a clash of cultures in the Heat locker room which led to Jorts' dismissal. What culture clash? The photos don't lie.

The Heat were traditionally a group of nerdlingers riding the short bus to dweeb town, and then suddenly they were confronted by a real-life Wolverine with the power to melt a pair of adamantium panties with a single glance. I have here exclusive footage of Jorts showing up on day one of Heat training camp:

A showdown was inevitable, especially considering the fact that LeBron and Dwyane, like all nerds, are total teacher's pets. They probably whined to Pat Riley to get him kicked off the team. But Jorts will get the last laugh - if the Heat win, he'll get a ring, and a chance to rejoin the Knicks next year.*

*I'm guessing that Seth is preparing a Federalist Papers-length series of essays on why Jorts should be brought back next season, so I won't go into that at the moment.

As for our old friend Tracy, some revisionist Knicks fans would like pretend he never was a real Knick. While he was truly horrible during his 24-game stint in New York (-.01 offensive wins shares, for the guy who once led the NBA with 13.2 OWS in 2002-03), T-Mac scores highly on the Real Knick checklist:

• Was he a name player before coming to NY? Check
• Did he come to NY as a old, oft-injured shell of his former self? Check
• Did he play well for his first game or two, inspiring way too much hope among Knicks fans? Check
• Was he subsequently horrible? Check
• Did the Knicks give away a first-rounder for him? Check

That is a perfect storm of Knick-iness, right there. So how is he doing with his new team? He's played four games for the Spurs, all in the playoffs:

Yowsah. I'm no mathematician, but I'm pretty sure those .000 marks in both TS% and eFG% mean he has yet to score a single point. But then again, the Spurs didn't bring McGrady on board for his scoring. T-Mac showed his value following Game 1 - he didn't play in the win, but he did give his team a certain je ne se quois - which I assume is French for "entertaining quotes about pig vaginae." I know Tracy spent some time in Qingdao a few months ago, and it seems like he's taken to heart to most cherished value of the Chinese people: pigs are delicious, and one should never let any part of the pig to waste. I never ate pig's vagina during my years in China, but I did have spicy pig brains in Chongqing...it was horrible.

Only one of these magnificent warriors will walk away from this series with a championship ring; I'm not saying we should throw them a parade or anything, but it's nice to find any connection between the Knicks and the Larry O'Brien trophy - especially considering it wasn't called "the Larry O'Brien trophy" the last time they won it. Hell, I would be game for inviting Jorts to a P&T Ring Presentation ceremony in Brooklyn. Fellas, trim up your beards and ladies, wear your best boots, cuz we're inviting Jorts over for cocktails. Let's convince him to come back to the Knicks nest season!