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Knicktion: The Phenomenal Old Testament Adventures of Amar'e Stoudemire

In this episode, David takes on Goliath...with a little help from our man STAT

This has nothing to do with the story, but it's still kinda funny"
This has nothing to do with the story, but it's still kinda funny"
Astrid Stawiarz

Since the time of Abraham, Yahweh has kept his covenant with his children, Israel, during their times of greatest need by sending unto them Knicks forward (and nice Jewish boy) Amar'e Stoudemire. These are his stories...

The army of King Saul has gathered at the Valley of Elah to confront the mighty Philistines and their champion, Goliath. A young shepherd boy named David has just convinced King Saul to let him confront the mighty Philistine:

Saul: "But how do you plan to defeat the giant?"

David: "Do not fret, O great King, for I am certain the Lord will give me guidance."

A voice bellows from outside the king's tent:

"Perhaps I can be of some assistance."

Saul: "Amar'e Stoudemire! He has come!"

Amar'e: "You're damn right! Shalom aleichem, my Jewish brothers! Now what's the situation? Diagram it for me."

King Saul breaks out his white board.

Saul: "So we've got the Philistine army on the other side of the valley, and their big man, Goliath, has set himself up in the high post. He's been trash-talking our God all day!"

Amar'e: "Whoa, this Goliath dude sounds more devious than Robert Horry in the 2007 Conference Finals!"

Saul: "So what's the game plan, Amar'e?"

Amar'e: "Well, if I learned anything from Coach Woodson in last year's playoffs, it's that you should probably send three defenders at Goliath - no matter how good he is - and leave the other Philistines wide open on the perimeter."

David: "But STAT, I have already challenged Goliath to single combat."

Amar'e: "You mean one-on-one? That's not really my strength. I work better out of the high pick-and-roll. Looks like we're gonna need some help."

Amar'e vanishes, reemerges moments later with Hakeem Olajuwon.

Amar'e: "Hey Hakeem, will you help out my fellow Jew here and teach him some of your phenomenal one-on-one moves?"

Hakeem: "Of course...we are all People of the Book. That'll just be $50,000."

David: "Uhh...can you help me out, STAT? I am just a shepherd, after all."

Amar'e cuts Hakeem a certified check.

Jump to Hakeem and David's rock-slinging, dream-shaking training montage, set to "You're the Best" by Joe Esposito.

David: "Thank you, Amar'e and Hakeem. Now I am ready to fight the mighty Goliath."

Amar'e: "Before you go slinging them rocks, I've got a little something here that might improve your aim"

David: "You're giving me your goggles? That is a mighty gift for combat!"

Amar'e: "No doubt...I shot over 80% from the free throw line last year with those babies."

Philistine trumpets blare. Goliath has arrived for battle.

Amar'e: "Who's that kid over there?"

David: "Umm...that's the mighty Goliath."

Amar'e: "That little 6'3 motherfucker? He looks like a skinny Deron Williams."

David: "Truly, he is the largest man in the Levant."

Amar'e: "Let me borrow those goggles for a second, David."

Amar'e dons his goggles, walks over to the Philistine camp and bitch-slaps Goliath. The Philistine army retreats in terror.

Saul: "Once again, the twelve tribes are in your debt, Amar'e. Would you like to marry my daughter and become the heir to the throne?"

Amar'e: "Sorry, king, but training camp starts in a few weeks. This kid David's got real future, though. You two keep fighting the good fight, keep kicking some idolater ass."

David: "B'ezrat HaShem."

Amar'e: "You bet your ass. Well, it's time for me to go. So long, fellow Jews...stay phenomenal!"