Flowers for Knickerbockers: An introduction to mindfulness training

It is said that we humans use only 10 percent of their brain's capacity. Is that number bullshit? Probably...but if a number is repeated enough times in enough sci-fi movie trailers, does it not attain a certain kind of truth?

More importantly, what percentage of the human brain must be activated in order to produce this:

or this:

The New York Knicks, as a collective basketball consciousness, did not use much brain capacity last season. But Phil Jackson has the solution: mindfulness training.

What exactly is "mindfulness training?" I'm not a fancy, big-city psychologist, so I'm just going to assume it's like the first half of "Flowers For Algernon." As head coach Derek Fisher said, "...there is a very big muscle up here that also needs training sometimes." I'm not exactly sure which muscle he's referring to, but whatever...let's train the hell out of it!

Unfortunately, not every player's head muscle needs the same training. Before Phil and his crew of brain mystics can properly tap into New York's vast cognitive potential, a program must be established to suit each individual Knick.

We here at P&T just so happened to stumble upon the training staff's mindfulness regime for several prominent players:

Carmelo Anthony:

You want to adopt Dirk Nowitzki's one-legged fadeaway? That's very good...but why stop there? Dirk put up an impressive 46.9 win shares from his age-30 season to his age-34 season. This is what we want from you, Melo. Not only must you learn from Dirk...you must become Dirk!

You are Dirk. Dirk are you.

Von nun an werden Sie sprechen nur Deutsch, Dirk. Für den Ruhm der Knicks!

J.R. Smith

Do you see those laces dangling from your opponents' sneakers.

NO, YOU DO NOT!

Those are not shoelaces, Earl. They are tiny, poisonous snakes! Keep away from the snakes!

In fact, why not just wear Velcro sneakers from now on...chicks dig Velcro.

Shane Larkin:

I am now speaking directly to Shane's pituitary gland...

Hey there, little buddy. I know you thought your job was done, but we really need you to start cranking out some more growth hormone. Two or three inches worth would work wonders. We believe in you, Mr. Gland!

Amar'e Stoudemire and Andrea Bargnani

You are matter, he is antimatter. You two must never join forces on a basketball court...the resulting collision would literally destroy the universe.

Should Derek Fisher ever attempt to put you two on the floor at the same time, I need both of you to take off screaming in opposite directions.

Quincy Acy:

This:

Cole Aldrich:

When a basketball is being passed toward you, it would really help the team if you caught it. Think of the ball as a big puppy. You like puppies, don't you -- so soft, so cuddly, so fragile. Please don't drop the puppy, Cole.

Samuel Dalembert:

Did you know cell phones have alarm clock features now? Yes, my man...even yours!

Iman Shumpert:

Mike Woodson is gone. He's not coming back. He can't hurt you anymore. He can't bench you for grazing Paul George.

It's not your fault. Son, it's not your fault. No, no, you don't know...it's not your fault. It's not your fault. It's not your fault.

Pablo Prigioni:

Doctor: "OK, Pablo, I want you to breathe deeply and follow my pocket watch with your eyes...wait a minute, where did my watch go?"

Pablo, pulling the watch out of his own pocket: "I am so sorry, my friend, but you were too slow. It's my watch now."

With fool-proof mental conditioning programs like these, I have no doubt the Knicks will succeed this season.  A more mindful team is a better team.

In conclusion: