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Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus (and he hates the Knicks)

A little girl hopes jolly old St. Nick will give her the gift of a Knicks win. She is sadly mistaken.

Kelley L Cox-USA TODAY Sports

Is there a Santa Claus?

We take pleasure in answering thus prominently the communication below, expressing at the same time our great gratification that its faithful author is numbered among the friends of Posting and Toasting:

Dear Editor—

I am 8 years old. I asked Santa to help the New York Knicks win some games for Christmas, but they keep losing. Some of my little friends say there is no Santa Claus. Papa says, "If you see it in Posting and Toasting, it's so." Please tell me the truth, is there a Santa Claus?

Virginia O'Hanlon
115 West Ninety Fifth Street

Virginia, your little friends are wrong. They have been affected by the skepticism of a skeptical age. They do not believe except they see. They think that nothing can be which is not comprehensible by their little minds. All minds, Virginia, whether they be men's or children's, are little. In this great universe of ours, man is a mere insect, an ant, in his intellect as compared with the boundless world about him, as measured by the intelligence capable of grasping the whole of truth and knowledge.

Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus. That's the good news. But if you're waiting for jolly St. Nick to leave a Knicks victory in your stocking, I'm sorry princess, but you're shit outta luck. For the man you know as Santa Claus is, in fact, a powerful warlock whose sole purpose is to crush the dreams of New York Knicks fans.

Did you really think one fat man was visiting every house on the planet in one night, coming in through the chimney and eating your cookies and milk? Of course not...that would be impossible. Yes, Santa does travel the world in one night, and yes, he does come in through the chimney. But he comes only to drink the sweet, sweet tears of Knicks fans like you. The tears are the source of his terrible power! Oh, he takes the milk and cookies as feed the likes of Mike Sweetney, Eddy Curry and Ray Felton.

Have you ever wondered why red and green are the traditional colors of Christmas? Red is for the Bulls and Heat, green is for the Celtics. Santa holds a weekly poker game with Michael Jordan, Paul Pierce and P.J. Brown. Reggie Miller used to come until that one time Jordan made him cry.

Do not be fooled by the presents the man leaves under the tree, for St. Nick always has a devious trick up his sleeve. He gave Amar'e Stoudemire a shiny new fire extinguisher in 2011.

Not believe in Santa Claus! That's just what the bastard wants you to do. He wants Knicks fans to let their guards down, so that he can strike! Do you remember the exact date of Isiah Thomas' hiring as President of Basketball Operations? It was 11 years ago today -- December 22, 2003 -- the week of Christmas, when Santa's dark powers are most potent. Coincidence? I think not!

Nobody knows for sure why Santa despises the Knicks. Some historians believe the hatred stems from an incident in 1975, when Clyde Frazier pulled up to the North Pole in his Rolls Royce and wooed Santa's old lady. Whatever the case may be, the man, and his enmity, are very real, and very dangerous.

Santa Claus lives, and lives forever. A thousand years from now, Virginia, nay 10 times 10,000 years from now, he will continue to feast on the sorrow of Knicks fans the world over -- a pot-bellied, rosy-cheeked succubus. Like Dracula and Keith Richards, he cannot be killed by conventional weapons. As long as you root for the New York Knicks, there is no escape, and no hope.

Merry Christmas, Virginia!


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