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Cole Aldrich: Athlete and digital capitalist

Carmelo Anthony isn't the only forward-thinking businessman at MSG.

Hello friends, this is Cole Aldrich here to tell you about an exciting investment opportunity.

My teammate Carmelo has successfully launched a company called Melo7 Tech Partners. "I want to brand myself as the digital athlete," Melo said. "Nobody really took that place. There’ve been athletes that came before me that were doing what I’m doing and there are going to be people after me that are doing what I’m doing. But I really want to be the pioneer for that digital athlete, and when it comes to tech I want to be the face of that space."

With all due respect, Melo, the digital world is not a's a series of tubes. And there are plenty of tubes to go around.

As an American, I believe that capitalism is what makes this country great and Cole Aldrich is ready to make that Internet money! I may not be the most tech-savvy guy around, but I have successfully operated my AOL account for the past 15 years (screen name: BossCole6969).

Most importantly, I am a man of ideas. I know what the modern digital consumer needs. Just check out these fine products that my company will make available:

  • I heard from my cousin that there has recently been a leak of celebrity nudes from some kind of cloud. I spend a lot of time staring up at the clouds back home in  Minnesota and I've never seen a cloud full of naked ladies. These need a new method of sending nudie pics to their fellas, and ol' Cole knows just the thing: carrier pigeons. My company has trained hundreds of pigeons to carry nude photos from you to your significant other. My birds cannot be bribed by the paparazzi.
  • I've seen plenty of apps for humans who want a sexual partner, but what about cattle? I know plenty of ranchers who are looking for just the right bull for their heifers. That's why I've created a Tinder-style app that cows use swipe using their hooves.

I have hundreds of ideas like this -- some better, some much worse. I may not have celebrity investors, like Eli and Peyton Manning, but I do have the president of my local 4-H club.

And I'm giving you the chance to get in on the ground floor. Please take whatever money you have and convert it to gold bullion -- I don't accept paper money. I stand by president McKinley when he said the biggest mistake this country ever made was getting off the gold standard. That's why I'm starting this company -- to fund my presidential campaign in 2026.


Commerce! Civilization! Cole! It can all be yours!

Operators are standing by.

(Photoshop courtesy of Norman Hathaway)