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Topics for James Dolan to sing about that aren't Trayvon Martin

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Let's help Mr. Dolan find something else to sing about.

Bruce Bennett

In this, perhaps the worst week in sports history, the last person New York fans wanted to hear from was James Dolan. Yet here was the MSG honcho in the New York Times, delivering perhaps the most welcome news in Knicks history:

"I am definitely spending less time with the Knicks," Dolan said.

Please somebody inject that sentence straight into my veins! I'm positively giddy.

Dolan, 59, has filled at least part of that void by pouring himself into his music, a throaty brand of blues that he describes as Americana.

Totally, bro. You are the voice of Americana. You're our generation's Blind Willie Johnson...except you're the son of a billionaire, and not blind.

"There’s literally nowhere I won’t go," Dolan said in an interview.

Go anywhere you want, my man...just don't show up for work anymore.

On his new album, "Where I've Been," Dolan croons about politics and race, love and mortality. One song called "Under That Hood" explores the shooting death of Trayvon Martin, which Dolan said he considered an American tragedy. ("It's all good/Under my hood/So misunderstood," goes the chorus.)

Dammit...

Only James Dolan can take an article about James Dolan no longer interfering with the Knicks and make it uncomfortable and creepy.

We get it, Mr. Dolan: You're down. Down like a clown, Charlie Brown. You're not one of those Donald Sterling-esque racist, fancying himself an antebellum South plantation owner. We've all seen you hug Rasheed Wallace.


But you're also the guy who supported a crappy GM through a sexual harassment trial that proved to be the most humiliating moment in franchise history. You've run this team like a tinpot dictatorship for over a decade, silencing employees and firing people who don't recognize you.

And that's fine. We're used to all that. But maybe -- juuuuuust maybe -- you are not the truth-bombing troubadour America needs in this sensitive moment.

I don't want you to give up your dream, Mr. Dolan...because keeping you away from the day-to-day operations of the New York Knicks is my dream as well. But let's steer the song subjects away from controversial shooting deaths.

I've prepared a list of songs that are more your style:

1. "The Devil Went Down to Palm Springs"

Based on a true story. The devil himself challenged our hero to an ATV race through the desert. The prize: Phil Jackson's soul.

The devil bowed his head because he knew that he'd been beat. And he laid Phil Jackson's contract on the ground at Jimmy's feet. Jimmy said, "Devil, just come on back if you ever wanna try again. I done told you once you son of a bitch, I'm the best there's ever been."

-- cue fiddle solo --

2. I'd Do Anything for Zeke (But I Won't Do That)

The tragic tale of a hero who was forced to abandon his beloved by the machinations of the evil wizard David Stern.

I'm not gonna lie, Jimmy: If you put on a Meat Loaf wig and recreated his "Beauty and the Beast"-style video, I'd watch the shit out of it.

3. L.E.G.O.T.

Did you know that James Dolan was nominated for a primetime Emmy? It says so right on his IMDB page. Truly, this is a Renaissance Man!

We've all heard of the E.G.O.T. -- Emmy, Grammy, Oscar, Tony -- but only James Dolan has a chance to add the Larry O'Brien trophy to that list. Why not go full Kanye and write a song about it?

4. Me Want the Punani (feat. Steven Seagal)


I don't know how you feel about reggae, Mr. Dolan, but this partnership is just too good to pass up. Steven Seagal is essentially the James Dolan of former action movie star singers: megalomaniacal, oblivious, bloated.

You two could even team up with Seagal's good buddy Vladimir Putin and form a Traveling Wilburys-style supergroup, touring the Russian countryside. Take all the time you want...it's a big-ass country.