James Dolan has been busy of late. The Knicks owner put his own unique stamp on the recent ALS awareness campaign last week by attempting to break the world record for kazoos in one place at one time...but not without a little help from his friends:
Clearly, Carmelo Anthony and Amar'e Stoudemire are now and have always been the golden boys of Dolan's basketball...uhh, empire...but one cannot mount a serious assault on the hallowed kazoo record with only those two players. Which begs the question: Where were the other Knicks?
We here at P&T -- serious journalists that we are -- have learned that Dolan sent out email invitations to each member of the organization. We have obtained copies of email responses sent by several prominent Knicks. And I'm not going to lie: Some of their excuses seem rather dubious.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I don't always have Internet out here in my lean-to.
It saddens me to hear that I've already missed your kazoo concert. Perhaps it is for the best, though. I've been wandering the hills with a Shoshone medicine man over the past few weeks, and he explained to me that the pursuit of records is a hollow and pointless endeavor...except for my 11 championships as head coach. That is totally fine to celebrate.
Looking forward to catching up when I get back to NY. Give my love to Irving Azoff.
Thank you for your kind invitation, Mr. Dolan...umm...but are you 100-percent sure I'm actually the head coach of your team? Didn't you hire Steve Kerr? Yes, I'm sure you did. Why not ask him to join you?
I got the kazoo you sent me, but then I bet Chris he couldn't turn it into a hash pipe. LOL that kid is so dumb!
Anyway, the kazoo melted and Chris is in the hospital. Could you do us a favor and pay his medical bills again? You gave us the kazoo, so I think I'm pretty sure you're at fault here...you know, legally speaking.
What are you gonna do if I don't show up...leak another trade rumor to the Post?
As soon as I got your invitation, I started whittling a kazoo out of a magic tree branch I found in my back yard. I called it "Wonderzoo."
Unfortunately, I found out too late that a wooden kazoo doesn't actually make proper kazoo sounds. Every note I play sounds like badger farts. I've failed you, Mr. Dolan. I will never forgive myself.
My dear Mr. Dolan,
I say to you, James, anything you like, I do for you.
I'm sorry, I don't know this word, "kazoo." Let me check the dictionary.
Lo siento. No hablo Inglés.
Like Pablo said: No hablo Inglés.
Tim Hardaway Jr.
Sure, Mr. Dolan, I'd love to join your kazoo thing.
I just need you to sign this contract I had my lawyers draw up. It guarantees me at least 20 shots per game.
My beard stylist specifically forbade me from playing wind instruments. Accidents can happen -- first some hair gets caught in the kazoo, then you gotta cut some off. Suddenly you're all lopsided and you gotta go back to barber shop and get it straightened out.
My beard is very important to me.
FUCK YOU! YOU BETTER LOSE MY EMAIL, PUNK!
Hey Jim old buddy!
I noticed that you're trying to set a kazoo record. I'm super psyched to be a part of it! I'm sure my invitation must have been lost in the mail...yes, that's it.
So when does the concert start? Should I pick you up at your place? Please tell your security guards that I'm your good friend Herb Williams, and that there's no reason to call the cops. You must have hired some new guys out front...none of them seem to recognize me.
PLEASE GIVE ME MY JOB BACK! I LISTENED TO YOUR
SHITTY MUSIC FOR OVER A DECADE! YOU OWE ME!