Hornets 110, Knicks 82: A letter home from your child's teacher

Today is kids day at MSG. Someone help these children.

— therealkingfish (@TheRealKingFish) January 10, 2015

Hello Mr. and Mrs. Bobbins,

This is Mr. Sneakings, Wheat's teacher. I write concerning several recent developments regarding Wheat's behavior in class. I wanted to alert you of these trends before report cards are due in June, and I also wanted to make sure Wheat is getting the support he needs at home.

Until this week, I've known Wheat to be an agreeable, respectful student who always applies himself to the task at hand. However, beginning with homeroom on Monday morning, something was different. What follows is a list of behaviors I'd like to discuss:

- During the Pledge of Allegiance, Wheat lies prone on the floor, thrashing violently if anyone comes near him.

- I see you provide Wheat with money for a school lunch each day, but he refuses to spend it. I've directed him repeatedly to the lunch line, but he chooses to stuff the money in his backpack and eat notebook paper instead. "Paper is delicious," he recently said to me, "Food can wait until 3rd grade."

- On our shapes quiz, Wheat skipped all the questions about rectangles and circles and wrote "THIS IS TOO HARD" on all the questions about triangles.

- Wheat spends recess sitting in a corner of the playground with a towel over his head.

- I'd estimate that your son spends 40 percent of the school day crying, another 40 percent laughing, and the remaining 20 percent trying to fight the 5th graders.

- While he hasn't actually done so because its cage is out of reach, Wheat insists he's going to "choke out" the class hamster.

- Wheat accidentally nicked his finger while cutting with a pair of scissors, then tried with alarming determination to cut off the rest of his hand.

- As you know, Wednesday was Wheat's birthday. We brought out the customary cupcakes to celebrate, but he demanded I put them away until May 19th. He also asked that I freeze his cupcake and only his cupcake.

- I thought Wheat might be encouraged to take his schoolwork more seriously with a fun writing implement, so I gave him a pencil from our "goodies jar." He immediately traded it to a classmate for a picture of a tree.

- On Tuesday, we each chose a personal hero to write about, and Wheat picked "Fire." I suggested that perhaps he might like to write about a person instead, and he told me "fire is better than people."

- Wheat's classmate, Andrea, moved to town last year and has had trouble fitting in. Wheat has made matters worse by repeatedly trying to push her out a window.

Thank you for your time. I eagerly await your response and some insight into Wheat's behavior. Did something happen this weekend?

Sincerely,

Mr. Sneakings

(Full recap from MMiranda later.)