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Kristaps Porzingis is The Flamingo

The life and observations of a semi-pro nicknamer.

By Jonathan Schulman

Come on in. Get settled, I'll wait. First things first, I been giving AA+++, OOOG nicknames since before you were searing baby food across your undercarriage and I'll be doing it long after you scorch those adult nappies, baby. Don't really trust me? Allow me to introduce my thorough credentials.

One of my most classics: I named a friend and feisty basketball teammate of mine "Ice Pick". Let me tell you, that beauteous nickname is legendary in our circle. Is that not good enough for you? Too local? Well I have another teammate from Kansas, which we probably agree is not local. I named him "The Human Tornado". The spin move on that guy is devastating and it's a killer nickname. Just make sure you pronounce it right.

@icalaica

A video posted by Wobbly co-ed adult (@wordbasketball) on

There's plenty more of my friends that would attest to receiving a time honored nickname from me. But I'm not gonna line them up and boast for you. So let's cruise this ship closer to your own home, if we must. I have a question: do you like the Knicks? Is that why you're here? Fair enough. You know Shawne Williams? Do you call him "Extra E"? You're welcome.

Yea, well... kept. Check my stats. And you're damn right I'm "stingy d". Commonly known as such IRL. No one out there is calling you "Ewing's Unattainable Baldy" or "Greg Anthony's Million Dollar Macho Shirt" There are grips of people that don't know my real name, but have been calling me that for years. Stingy! I will say, I lose rights to that nickname, sadly. Under the first clause of the Your-Own-Nickname Treaty of Since Forever. That's a damn good one, though. Be certain of that, you fraudulent kiddies.

Now consider Paul George. He needed a "nickname" once upon a when. And there I was at the forefront of the "Paul Gorgeous" movement. But, no! Somehow he landed on the perilously tame "PG-13" and people let it stick. I would contend that it's not a even a nickname. Similar to a hot dog not being a sandwich. Not to mention there's a clause somewhere in the Your-Own-Nickname treaty that disallows settling on a nickname that some shmohawk soft tossed into the perceived ether. Especially when you act out hearing it for the first time, just to gauge public perception. At least just whip it out on 'em, Paul. If you think it's so gorgeous.

Now of course, there is much ado over Kristaps Porzingis' nickname. Mostly people feel like his name is too long, so they just have to come up with something fast! Maybe you want some thrashing demon slayer of a name. The "King Kristaps Zilla's" and "Space The Floor Zingvaders'" of the world. Those overwrought nicknames will never be user friendly and ultimately confuse the person you're in conversation with. So perhaps you pine for the brevity of a "Krispy" or a "Zinger". Those are ok for spot duty. Those are, however, not true blue nicknames. The folks over at reddit had little to offer, outside of jingoistic name mashups and your various uninformed busty bust-buster types. They didn't even bother to string any Knicksy concepts together like a "Whatsapps Porzingoingon". Nor could they just totally generalize to any sport with a "Bulkedaps PEDzingis". Look at this. I'm doing all the work for you. That's just because it comes so natural to me.


Doesn't like the slurried and lazy "Zinger". Ya don't say. Why am I not surprised? Then there's "KP" (lest we forget the aforementioned treaty), which he prefers. That, of course is:

  1. Not a nickname
  2. Spoken for

I wonder if anyone close to the situation disapproves of nicknaming yourself?

Now listen here- I have been championing Porzingis' one and true nickname for a little while now. Maybe it's flying under the radar, maybe it's just not well liked. But I'm not gonna back away from it for anything. Maybe you're some panzer and you're all worried that my nickname won't be tough enough. Don't worry about that, it's plenty tough. Not to mention there's strength in numbers. As if basketball isn't the same way. Maybe I'm stuck out here on this island all by myself. Possibly not. I'm not too worried about it, to be honest. You'll see. When you do- may your stay be pleasant, and welcome to Flamingo Island. So it has been determined:

Kristaps Porzingis' nickname is "The Flamingo".

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