All-Star Weekend is, like essentially everything else in life, a complete and utter waste of time. I'm supposed to spend my precious time watching one Plumlee dunk over another Plumlee, followed one night later by the likes of James Harden and Damian Lillard playing even less defense than usual? Please, I have better things to do.*
This event should be special -- a time to shine the spotlight on MSG for something other than a Knicks pratfall -- but then you realize Charles Barkley will be prominently involved and there goes any chance for enjoyment.
There's only one thing to do, people. We must must break away and form our own All-Star Weekend, with events so magically splendiferous that they will turn balloons into ducks and clowns into angels. Let's get wild!
It is therefore with great pride that I introduce the events for P&T's All-Star Weekend Extravaganza. We're ready to give the people what they want, provided all the athletes agree to participate.**
Event No. 1: The Cole Aldrich Hook Shot Challenge
Cole Aldrich hook shots are the NBA's ultimate wild card. It is the closest thing we'll ever get to watching Andre the Giant play tetherball while hopped up on PCP. You don't know where the ball is going, or when, or how...but I'm pretty sure quantum mechanics are involve.
The entire basketball world needs to share in the wonder of Cole's hook. The game is played thusly: Cole gets five attempts. Starting from the foul line, he must spin in a circle no fewer than eight times before releasing a shot. The scoring goes like this:
- Made basket: 10 points
- Hit rim: 5 points
- Hit front of backboard: 3 points
- Hit back of backboard: 7 points
- Hit backboard on opposite side of court: 20 points
Event No. 2: KG vs. the World
The World Team is already in town, having defeated Team USA in Friday night's Rising Stars Challenge. Why not let them test their mettle against the ultimate NBA jingoist, Kevin Garnett.
KG has spent most of his career bullying young foreign-born players -- defending America's metaphorical borders like an even-less-charismatic Steve Seagal. Why not give young foreign kids like Rudy Gobert and Giannis Antetokounmpo a chance to humiliate that sack of crap in a game of 5-on-1? It is really the best thing we can do to heal this planet.
Event No. 3: Travis Wear Alley-Oop Jamboree
No All-Star Weekend event is as played out as the Dunk Contest. You take a bunch of kids who we already know can dunk and have them dunk? Where's the thrill in that? Where's the mystery?
Perhaps no current player exudes that intoxicating aura of can he actually dunk quite like Travis Wear, a.k.a. The Platinum Playboy. Dude is 6'10", yet he has never dunked in an NBA game. He came close once, and the result was pure magic:
Look at him put his hand up to call for the lob! This kid makes Swaggy P look like an Amish grandpa.
The rules of this event are simple: people throw lobs Travis' way and we all sit back and watch the fireworks.
Event No. 4: Von Wafer Flies Back from China, Rushes the Court and Punches Charles Barkley in the Nuts
Pretty straightforward, IMO.
Event No. 5: The Ultimate Three-Point Shootout
I'm hearing a lot of noise that Saturday night's Three-Point Shootout might have the greatest lineup in history. Sure...if you like a bunch of dudes chucking threes at rapid-fire pace, without giving each shot a chance to breathe.
Personally, I enjoyed the show Joe Johnson put last year, when he fired threes at a magnificently leisurely pace. But if Johnson wants to be crowned king of the deliberate three-point shooters, he must first take down this guy:
You take a shot at the king, you best take an extra dribble first.
Rules: There is a 24-second clock for each ball. Each combatant must wait until the last second, or it doesn't count. It is a chess game, only slower.
Which brings us to the Grand Finale:
Event No. 6: James Dolan and Charles Oakley Finally Meet...In a Steel Cage!!!
Charles Oakley is Knicks legend, as well as the real-life inspiration for the film John Wick. No man is his right mind would ever spend time with Oak and think, "I'm totally OK with staying on this dude's bad side."
Except, of course, for James Dolan. The megalomaniac billionaire bluesman is apparently not interested in negotiating a truce with one of the most beloved players in the history of his franchise, as Oakley recently admitted to the New York Post:
"I asked the commissioner to set up a meeting with (Dolan), take a step forward," said Oakley. "I want to know what I did to be hated so bad by an owner. The dad (Charles Dolan), I never heard him say nothing bad about me. I asked players I played with to go talk with (James Dolan). He said he don’t want to deal with me."
I say we set that meeting -- in MSG, at center court, in the cage. Hell in a cell! This will be a main event to rival any Wrestlemania, let alone an All-Star Game.
P&T's All-Star Weekend Extravaganza has everything you could possibly want in a spectacle of this magnitude: violence, intrigue, Pablo! Sure, it may exist only in the world of our imaginations, but in a season where Knicks fans spend more time dreaming of the draft than watching their favorite team play ball, it has it's merits. Imagination is about all we have at this point.
* I don't. I really don't.
** They surely won't.