New York Knicks president Phil Jackson caused a bit of a hullabaloo on Sunday when he diagnosed the basketball gods with a case of esophageal distress following his club's blowout loss to the Cleveland Cavaliers:
I'm Today's game vs Cavs gave bb gods heartburn and those that know what "it" takes/means a smh.
— Phil Jackson (@PhilJackson11) February 23, 2015
If I may be so bold, Papa Zen -- a case of heartburn is pretty much the least debilitating physical ailment caused by prolonged exposure to the Knicks. Watching this team can lead a shocking variety of diseases, including (but not limited to): to heart palpitations, the bends, dengue fever and super gonorrhea.
While each member of the club brings his own particular flavor to this malady stew, I have consulted several medical journals and come up with a list of the most serious disorders associated with a current or former member of the 2014-15 Knicks:
This is a disorder which makes people unable to accurately estimate the amount of time that has passed. I'm not sure exactly how this disease is passed from person to person, it was clearly passed from former coach Mike Woodson to Carmelo Anthony.
Melo was known as one of the most clutch players in the NBA prior to his arrival in New York. By the end of the Woodson tenure, however, he was consistently acting like he had no idea what a clock is:
Dyschronometria is a bitch, y'all.
Alien Hand Syndrome
This is a bizarre neurological disorder where the sufferer's hand appears to take on a life of it's own. Not knowing what your hand is going to do can lead to problems, particularly if you and Cole Aldrich and you're attempting a hook shot:
In a related note, untreated Alien Hand Syndrome can lead to a severe case of Teammate Sad-Face.
The sufferer becomes consumed with the belief that a loved one has been replaced by an impostor. Knicks fans saw the devastating impact of this disorder first-hand earlier in the season, when J.R. Smith became obsessed with the idea that Jason Smith was Steve Novak.
One look at J.R.'s passing distribution this season -- courtesy of NBA.com -- confirms his delusion:
The most frequent recipients of J.R. passes are mostly elite players -- Kyrie Irving, LeBron James, Kevin Love, Melo, Pablo Prigioni (THE MOST ELITE). And then you have Jah Smith, receiving more passes than Melo. Only Novak is deserving of that kind of love.
Jumping Frenchmen of Maine
Yes, this is actually a thing. From the official National Organization of Rare Disorders website:
Jumping Frenchmen of Maine is an extremely rare disorder characterized by an unusually extreme startle reaction. The startle reaction is a natural occurrence. It is the normal, rapid, involuntary response to a sudden or unexpected stimulus (e.g., a sudden noise or sight). The exact cause of jumping Frenchmen of Maine is unknown. One theory is that the disorder occurs because of an extreme conditioned response to a particular situation influenced by cultural factors. Jumping Frenchmen of Maine was first identified during the late nineteenth century in Maine and the Canadian province of Quebec among an isolated population of lumberjacks of French Canadian descent.
Ladies and gentleman, the medical board rests its case:
Goodnight, Andrea Bargnani, you jumping prince of Maine, you leaping king of New England!