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Timberwolves 95, Knicks 92: Tanking's finest hour


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I asked my homie Winston Churchill to address the New York Knicks following their inspiring 95-92 overtime loss to the Minnesota Timberwolves. Here is what he told our gallant troops in orange and blue:

"We have before us an ordeal of the most grievous kind. We have before us one more month of struggle and of suffering. You ask, What is our policy? I will say; "It is to lose, by sea, land and air, with all our might and with all the strength that God can give us: to lose against a monstrous tyranny, never surpassed in the dark lamentable catalogue of human crime...the NBA draft lottery. That is our policy." You ask, What is our aim? I can answer with one word: Defeat - defeat at all costs, defeat in spite of all terror, defeat however long and hard the road may be; for without defeat there is no survival.


"What General Phil Jackson called the Battle of Minnesota is over. I expect that the Battle of Philly is about to begin. Upon this battle depends the survival of Knicks civilization. upon it depends our own Knicks life and the long continuity of our institutions and our franchise. The whole fury and might of the enemy must very soon be turned on us now. Hinkie knows that he will have to break us in their or lose the ping-pong balls. If we can stand up to him, Karl-Anthony Towns may be free and the life of the Knicks fan may move forward into broad, sunlit uplands. But if we fail, then the whole Tri-State Area, including Brooklyn, including all that we have known and cared for, will sink into the abyss of a new Isiah Thomas Age, made more sinister, and perhaps more protracted, by the lights of perverted salary cap. Let us therefore brace ourselves to our duties, and so bear ourselves that, if the New York Knicks and its tank last for a thousand years, men will say, 'This was their finest hour.'"

The Knicks take on the 76ers tomorrow in Philadelphia. Godspeed, you magnificent bastards.