Good news everybody! Remember how we kept harping on the "all-important win column" during our myriad KnicksTank updates over the past few months? Well this is where it pays off!
The Knicks are 14-58; their closest competitors, the Minnesota Timberwolves, are 16-55. That means the Wolves can lose all of their remaining games and still provide the Knicks with a one-game cushion for the league's worst record. I'm talking one consequence-free win, where you can cheer for the boys in orange and blue without worrying about how it will affect the tank. Freedom...for one game!
With that in mind, let's check in on their remaining schedule to find that one perfect win:
The most winnable game on that list appears to be April 5 vs. Philly, but that's so boring. The Hawks will probably have home-court advantage locked up, and might send Pero Antic out to fight the Knicks single-handedly. That would more terrifying than exciting. Let's root for a win we'd really enjoy.
I've zeroed in on four games that would make for a satisfying Knicks win. Let's break em down:
April 8 vs. Pacers
First of all: screw the Pacers, and screw Reggie Miller for dampening my enthusiasm for March Madness. Last night he actually said, "What if the refs used something other than Mississippis to count? What if they said, 'one Utah, two Utah?'" Nobody uses Utah to count seconds! Brigham Young himself wouldn't use Utah to count seconds. You might as well make up a nonsense word, like "one scoobiedybop, two scoobiedybop." How do you even tie your shoes in the morning, you useless prick?
That said, the Pacers are boring this season. I'm already losing interest in this idea 30 seconds after finishing my Reggie Miller rant.
March 28 at Bulls
Screw the Bulls. I'll never forgive them, TNT, and mankind in general for inviting Charles Barkley and Reggie Miller to call the game the last time the Knicks came to town, on Dec. 18. See how it always come back to Reggie?
This could be a fun win, as it would be a massive road upset and could cost the Bulls a higher playoff seed.
March 27 vs. Celtics
Screw the Celtics. They are trying to make the playoffs, where they would get their asses handed to them while announcers gushed about their "process" and how they are "a team on the rise." If they lose to the Alexey Shved-less Knicks, the entire franchise should be launched into the sun.
On the other hand, perhaps the Knicks shouldn't mess with their march to the postseason. I would quit sports forever if the Celtics won this year's lottery.
April 1 vs. Nets
Screw the Nets. I want them to miss out on the playoffs and have to sweat out the possibility of winning the lottery and being forced to swap that pick for the Hawk's No. 29 pick as a consequence of the Joe Johnson trade. That would be divine -- it's my favorite scenario that doesn't involve the Knicks winning the lottery, in fact.
So what do you think, friends of the Internet? Which win would you most enjoy?