The NBA postseason is boring and dumb; let's get it out of the way and do the lottery

I miss watching the New York Knicks. There, I said it. Come at me, bros and broesses.

I miss the intrigue of the tank, of worthy opponents jockeying for position at the bottom of the standings. Most of all, I miss the distraction. The nightly psychodrama that was the 2014-15 Knicks kept me from the harsh realities of the NBA's non-shitty teams.

The reality is this, my friends: watching good NBA teams play each other in this postseason has been fucking lame.

Oh, so the home team is going to win every game? Wow, I'm on pins and needles over here! The only road team to win thus far is coached by Randy Freakin' Wittman! You know what that means? It means that the universe is without purpose and everything you believe is wrong.

Here are some other reasons why the playoffs suck ass:

• Paul Pierce. All day, every day. Pierce talks trash, goes out with a "serious" injury, comes right back in, trolls long-suffering fanbase. Been there, done that.
• The playoffs are supposde to be a non-stop parade of the best players the NBA has to offer, particularly in the Western Conference. Well then how do you explain this?

  

• Each night brings a tremendous performance by soon-to-be restricted free agent, followed by the inevitable "No way this franchise is letting him go" thinkpiece. I want these players, and they will be technically available, but not really. Let's get them signed by their original teams already, so we can end this sick farce.
• Where's Pitbull?
• As much as I enjoy the basketball world piling on Rajon Rondo, and as much as I trust Phil Jackson not to sign him in the offseason, that slim prospect of an unholy Rondo-Knicks union still haunts my nightmares.

So how can we fix these playoffs? I'm glad you asked. First, we might as well end the first round altogether. We already know who's going to win each series, save Spurs-Clippers. Sorry, San Antonio, but I'm going to have to invoke the old "You Lost to the Knicks, So Screw You" clause. I'm willing to give the rest of the playoffs a chance -- three-game series all the way through the Finals. I'm being generous here, rest of the league. But forget about days off -- if you want that title, you better be prepared to win six games in six nights.

Now that we've solved this pesky postseason business, we can get to the important stuff. Let's move the draft lottery to next Monday. I hope everybody here has an envelope in their freezer!