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Highlights from Clyde Frazier's night at the White House Correspondents Dinner

This actually happened.

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Anthony Gruppuso-USA TODAY Sports

Edward Gibbon, in his classic work The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire, described ancient Rome's cultural nadir as a place where "bizarreness masqueraded as creativity."

Keep that in mind as you watch the following clip:

Yes, my friends, our own Clyde Frazier hosted a White House Correspondents Dinner pre-game event this past weekend, next to some milquetoast motherfucker whose named I never bothered to learn. This was a seminal moment in US history. Was it undeniable proof of the death of the American Dream, or a leap into a new Golden Age? You be the judge...

Clyde Political Fact No. 1: It was Clyde who came up with the first rhyming campaign slogan in American history -- "Tippecanoe and Tyler Too" -- for presidential nominee William Henry Harrison. Clyde was a big supporter of the Whig Party back in the day.

By now we know that all political types were vile, screeching cyborgs, making up for their lack of human emotions with forced smiles and canned banter, but it was truly jarring to see them interact with the man who literally wrote the book on cool. You could practically hear the grinding sound of the lumps of coal up their butts being crushed into diamonds as these people referred to him as "Walt."

"I just looooove Walt Frazier's suit!"

His name is Clyde, you rat bastards! That's what you call him!

As for Clyde, he was his usual, bemused self. He met with various government officials, celebs, and even Frank Kaminsky, riffed on his usual topics -- yoga, teamwork and fashion -- while occasionally letting true fans know that he was in on the joke:

He introduced Secretary of Transportation Anthony Foxx as only Clyde can: "So you're into transportation...movin' and groovin'."

Clyde Political Fact No. 2: Clyde is the only non-Catholic permitted to vote in papal conclave. This honor was bestowed upon him by Pope Paul VI, a longtime fan of Clyde's ostentatious clothes, in the 1976 papal bull "Clyde Frazier vestimenta eligit bonum, propter hoc eligere bonum papa" (Clyde picks good clothes, he'll pick a good pope).

Clyde even got to live out the fantasy of every Benghazi conspiracy theorist: an interview with National Security Advisor Susan Rice. And what did he ask? Naturally, he wondered if she had designed the dress she was wearing herself:

So what did we learn? Clyde Frazier is the only force capable of keeping our decadent, chauvinistic empire from total annihilation. It's a good thing he'll live forever.