Dr. Joe's office, 9 am. A ragged, desultory Atlanta Hawks team sits in the waiting room:
Good morning. And how are we feeling today? That bad, huh? You're looking a little green around the gills, like you just lost to a team missing its best player.
First we'll need to get a clear read on your symptoms. Let's go over the Loss Checklist, shall we?
- Were most of the starters listless and irritable, appearing as if they would rather be doing anything else but playing a basketball game? CHECK
- Did the opponent build up a huge lead into the fourth quarter, only for the reserves to storm back into the game in a futile comeback attempt which only made the eventual loss that much more infuriating? CHECK
- Did turtle-faced clown Paul Pierce hit the dagger, then proceed to flop around, desperately trying to come up with a new victory dance or catch phrase? BIG OLE CHECK
*Sigh* This is the worst part of the job. You guys had better sit down.
Judging by your symptoms, you've contracted a particularly nasty strain of the virus knicktoccus failitis. I'm going to have to ask you some uncomfortable personal questions. Have you engaged in any unclean, Knicks-related activities in the past month or so?
Disgusting. You should be ashamed of yourselves!
The act of basketball should be a sacred union between two teams; it isn't something to be taken lightly. Yet there you were, engaging in unprotected losing basketball with the grossest Knicks team of all time. Didn't you learn anything in health class?
Sadly, you weren't the only playoff team to fall victim to the MSG clap. The Raptors, Pelicans, Celtics and Spurs all engaged in losing basketball during the regular season; each and every one of them died horrific deaths. The only patient to survive -- other than yourselves, of course -- are the Cleveland Cavaliers. And given their vital signs -- short-handed, injured and down 2-1 to Chicago -- they might not be long for the playoffs either.
Is there a cure? HAHAHAHAHA! Hell no. The only way to survive the Knicks is a strict regiment of abstinence. You should have avoided the temptation to fall to their level, even for one night.
I'm only a doctor; I'm not God. Still, if you ask me, any team that lost to the 2014-15 New York Knicks deserves to go down in defeat. Your best hope now is for a quick death, with as few Paul Pierce jumpers as possible. I wouldn't wish that scumbag on my worst enemy.