clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:

Let's remove our spleens so the Knicks will get the first pick

Now that the lottery odds have been decided, P&T is in full cultic religion mode. Occasionally in the lead-up to the May 19th lottery, I will ask you to appease the basketball gods with me. Previously, we froze envelopessent letters to bad Knicks draft picks, and exploited the good fortune of mothers. Today, the ultimate tribute.

I have instructed you to slit the throat of a goat several times since P&T's inception. It's long been our strategy of basketball god-appeasement. At some point, there comes a time to reflect and realize what you've been doing isn't working. No amount of goat blood has bought the Knicks a great draft pick or serious playoff success. I'm convinced the basketball gods have lost their taste for it, and want something else.

I'll cut to the chase. We're taking out our spleens today. What follows is a step-by-step guide to removing your spleen and preparing it for sacrifice to the basketball gods. I have already taken these steps. I can't show you photos of the process because ummm my phone died, but I made some drawings for you.


1. Select your sharpest scalpel. If you don't have a scalpel, your scimitar should work just fine.
2. Starting just below your ribcage, make a deep, U-shaped incision spanning the width and length of your abdomen.


3. Pull back the flap of skin you created. Locate and remove the spleen.


4. Oh are you wearing gloves? You should be wearing gloves.
5. Store the spleen in a glass of grape juice, cranberry juice, cran-apple juice, or cran-grape juice to retain necessary purpleness.


6. When the sun is positioned directly over the peak of Mt. Basketball Olympus, remove the spleen from the juice and lay it out on the sidewalk or the street or wherever the mountain peak casts its shadow. Buzzards should immediately swoop in to carry your spleen off to the heavens. If the buzzards don't come, just shout a lot and wave your arms. They'll find you.


Just sew yourself back up and you're good to go. Some FAQ:

What does a spleen do and can I live without it?

No idea. Yes.

What will it feel like to have no spleen?

Wait I remembered what the spleen does.


It holds poop. Oh wait no that's the lungs. I dunno. Never mind, keep going.

Okay, what will it feel like to have no spleen?

It will hurt a lot for the rest of your life.

Should I use some sort of anesthetic, then?


Why are we doing this again?

To appease the basketball gods so the Knicks get the first pick.

What do the basketball gods want with our spleens?

They eat spleens.

Didn't you say they're filled with poop?

Yeah, the gods love to eat poop. WAIT no I just said they're NOT filled with poop. Was that a trick question?