Hollywood megastar Will Smith shocked and appalled the whole damn world on Thursday when he laid out plans for a reboot of his legendary sitcom, The Fresh Prince of Bel Air.
Look, I've been a huge Fresh Prince fan for as long as I can remember. I grew up watching the original run, and I still catch late-night reruns on TV whenever I can. And I just need to start out by saying that this is a horrible idea. Don't tamper with a classic. We can no longer trust Will Smith's track record considering some of the bombs he's produced in recent years (and don't get me started on his attempt to turn Jaden Smith into a movie star).
But it's time to face facts: this thing will go forward with or without our consent. If there is to be a Fresh Prince remake, we need to find the right star to place in the leading role. It has to be a kid in the mold of a young Will Smith: incredibly charismatic, kid-friendly, but with street cred.
Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
It has to be Kristaps Porzingis doesn't it? He is the Will Smith of the 21st century. In Liepaja, Latvia, born and raised; on the playground is where he spent most of his days. Chilling out maxin', relaxin' all cool and all shootin' some b-ball outside of the school, when a couple of guys who were up to no good started making trouble in his neighborhood. He got in one little fight and his mom got scared and said, "You're getting drafted fourth overall by the New York Knicks."
Now that we have our star, we need to fill out the rest of the cast. Here are some ideas:
Uncle Phil (Phil Jackson) -- A distinguished man of means who takes in Kristaps as his ward. He tries to keep Kristaps focused on his studies, giving him loads of reading assignments, but all Krispy wants to do is listen to hip-hop and chase the honies.
Aunt Viv (Jeannie Buss) -- A driven, accomplished career woman and a natural foil for Uncle Phil, she gradually gets phased out of the show over the years. She'll eventually be replaced by a new Aunt Viv around Season 4.
Geoffrey (Clyde Frazier) -- The wise-cracking butler who will do almost anything to get out of work and relax, but is generally an awesome dude. Clyde's on-point Geoffrey beard is brought to you by Just For Men.
Hillary (Carmelo Anthony) -- The oldest sibling, Mellory often has a hard time staying focused on anything other than his beloved hat collection and his dream of becoming "the digital athlete."
Ashley (nope) -- I had very strong feelings for Ashley Banks growing up, so I'm leaving this character blank. Also, it's not like she was essential to the plot or anything.
Carlton (Robin Lopez) -- The ultimate nerd-slash-doofus, always brown-nosing Uncle Phil, striking out with the ladies and never giving up on his goal of attending a premier university (Stanford instead of Princeton). Accidentally ingests amphetamines during prom because he thinks the pills are Vitamin E for his acne; overdoes and nearly dies.
The only question here is whether or not Lopez has the dancing chops to pull of The Carlton. Judging by the video evidence, I believe he does.
Jazz (Sasha Vujacic) -- A sketchy loser who is always trying Uncle Phil's patience. Seriously, you can see Phil Jackson doing this to Vujacic at some point next season, can't you:
And there you have it, folks. Just let me talk to the good folks at NBC, and once their check clears I'll start pre-production immediately. Hopefully we'll be ready by mid-season (television season, that is).
Props to Norman Hathaway for the Photoshop.