As you have probably heard, the New York Knicks will not be playing on Christmas Day for the first time in seven years. The league seems to have conveniently forgotten that Quincy Acy's dumb fight with the Wizards last season was pretty much the most entertaining NBA action of that entire day.
Whatever, yo -- we don't need Christmas anyway! There an unlimited number of holidays to celebrate, if you're willing to look deep enough.
With that in mind, I scoured the Holiday Insights website and found a few intriguing festivals that line up with Knicks home games. Let's make the party last all season long!
Nov. 17: Knicks vs. Hornets (World Peace Day/Homemade Bread Day)
Look, we all know the organization has had problems with World Peace in the past. But it's time to bury the hatchet with the Queens native and prodigal son.
I'll be honest, though -- I wouldn't be nearly as excited about this holiday if it weren't also Homemade Bread Day. The Knicks should invited Metta World Peace into the MSG kitchens and film him making all sorts of loaves and rolls...rye, pumpernickel, you name it.
Dec. 21: Knicks vs. Magic (National Flashlight Day)
Can we get George Clinton? If yes, do it! If no, forget the whole thing.
Jan. 3: Knicks vs. Hawks (Humiliation Day)
Per the holiday website:
Humiliation Day is not a day to humiliate someone. Rather, it should be viewed as a time to recognize the negativity of humiliating someone, or a group of people.
Let's all use this special day, to remind us to avoid humiliating anyone for any reason.
Try to keep that in mind, Hawks!
Jan. 22: Knicks vs. Clippers (Pablo Prigioni Appreciation Day)
This is my Christmas, folks.
There are just so many ways we can celebrate this. Retire Pablo's number? Of course. Unveil a Pablo statue? At least one. Is it too late to re-shape the face on the Statue of Liberty into Pablo's likeness?
This needs to be a daylong celebration. MSG should hire mimes to sneak around Penn Station in Pablo jerseys before the game, sliding up behind commuters and pretending to steal their things. At halftime we will debut a brand new dramatic form I call Pablo Opera. While living in Sichuan in 2009 I was exposed to traditional Sichuan Opera, during which the performers change masks with astonishing speed:
Pablo Opera is like that, except all the masks will be depictions of actual Pablo facial expressions:
It's nothing less than he deserves.
Feb. 20: Knicks vs. Timberwolves (National Love Your Pet Day)
Remember when MSG honored the hero guide dog with a medal presentation ceremony? That was awesome. The Knicks should do that again, with, like, a million more pets.
March 26: Knicks vs. Cavaliers (Make Your Own Holiday Day)
Yes, this is an actual holiday. And I, for one, am glad. Why should I have to do all the work here? Get cracking, people!
April 10: Knicks vs. Raptors (Final Home Game of the Regular Season)
Hopefully these two ass clowns don't show up again and ruin everyone's good time!