New Orleans Pelicans superstar Anthony Davis shocked both the basketball and medical communities on Monday when he revealed that he gained 12 pounds of muscle in the offseason. Hmm, 12 pounds...seems like a rather arbitrary number of pounds to gain, if you ask me. Could it be that he is responding to Kristaps Porzingis, who reportedly gained 11 pounds this summer?
Oh, snap! First Davis got served, then he served Kristaps; by the ancient rules of combat, it's on! With two such fearsome competitors looking to gain mass as quickly as possible, there's only one way this can end. Prepare for a glimpse into the future...
October
Kristaps gains 40 pounds, is now 7'8". His ribcage can no longer be seen through his jersey.
November
Davis gains 132 pounds, solves the Pelicans' recent frontcourt efficiency problems by eating Kendrick Perkins.
December
Kristaps gains 4.5 tons, builds upper body strength by regularly climbing to the top of the Empire State Building and fending off WWI-era biplanes.
January
Davis gains 147 tons. During a road trip to Los Angeles, he decides to take a dip in the Pacific Ocean. Things get awkward when a blue whale attempts to mate with his unibrow.
February
Both Davis and Kristaps now way well in excess of 10,000 tons. They briefly join forces at the All-Star Break to defend East Asia from those kaiju beasts from "Pacific Rim," only this time the acting is much better.
March
Kristaps briefly gets caught up in Davis' massive gravitation pull, orbiting the Pelicans' big man as a satellite. Furious, he escapes to the nearest nebula and absorbs gargantuan amounts of hydrogen, helium and cosmic dust. He is now 8% as massive as our own sun. Nuclear fusion ignites his core. The Knicks wanted a star with their No. 4 overall pick, and now they have one. Literally. Due to Einstein's laws of relativity, his gravity affects time itself. Jill Martin's "Celebrity Minute" now lasts more than 7 months.
April
Davis has grown 100-times more massive than our own sun. Unable to control the nuclear reactions running amok in his core, he explodes in supernova, leaving behind a black hole. It's always core problems with these athletes, isn't it? If only he had access to Phoenix's medical staff.
May
The recently-formed Kristaps black hole gets caught up in the gravity of the Davis black hole, and they begin to merge into a super-massive black hole astronomers dub "Kristony Porzavis." Here is an image from the Hubble telescope:
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And there you have it, folks. It's all well and good seeing young athletes build up mass...at least until they collapse under the weight of their own gravity. That's what happened to Shaq, if I recall.