Inside the minds of the Knicks' 2015 team portraits

By Seth Sep 30, 2015, 10:47am EDT

The size and shape of my facial hair kinda makes me look Homer Simpson doesn't it? But really huge! I'm like a mega Homer Simpson!

Hell no. Only I can say that. Say I'm mega Homer Simpson again and see what happens.

oh jeez y'all got some heavy basketballs in the NBA, huh

Is this what you want? Crude parlor tricks? Will this make you like me, you irredeemable savages? I should spit on you. Knaves.

I could pop this ball but I'm not going to. I'm not even trying to pop it. Nnnghh.

Hey, it's me! Lance! Lance Thomas! From the Knicks!

You got plans tonight? Cancel them and come through. I made soup, kid. 'Zpacho night at The Grotto. 'Zpacho is what I call gazpacho. The Grotto is what I call my condominium. It's a timeshare. It was flooded when I moved in but it isn't now.

When we get to West Point do we stay there or do we go to Iraq immediately? Is that where they have the war or is it like Syria now? I don't want to die.

West Point. Day 2. 0800 hours. I did not sleep through the night. The other men seem calm -- giddy, even -- despite the horrors that await us. Some seem deluded, others are just naive. We still have no word on when we deploy, and the officers bristle every time I ask. They know we are more prone to obey if we do not look forward. I long every minute for my family, and for my own bed, yet I know I must my fight. Such is my conscription. Though I have not yet spilt blood, sometimes I swear I can already taste it -- hot, metallic, and somehow refreshing. War is hell. War is my life.

Guys I'm gonna cut beef in here. I really didn't want this to happen but I ate an egg an-- oh god it's happening.

Okay we're good.

(Side note: I guess Lou Amundson took Cleanthony Early's vacated number?)

Shit, if I'm not gonna make the team I might as well get these Instagram likes.

You said there would be sandwiches. Wraps are not sandwiches. Wraps are wraps. You could have said there would be wraps, in which case I would be fine with some wraps, but you said sandwiches, so I was expecting sandwiches. Why would you say extra syllables so you could lie to me?