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Why the Knicks must hire my mom to be Kristaps Porzingis's breakfast chef

Only the griddle will save him.

Knicks fans have been heartened to hear that rookie phenom Kristaps Porzingis has halted his in-season weight loss thanks to embracing the most important meal of the day, breakfast. Per Marc Berman:

"I didn't pay as much attention in the beginning of the season to breakfast,'' Porzingis said. "I wanted to get to the gym. I'd eat something quick and go to work out. So now I'm getting up one hour, 1½ hours earlier and having a big breakfast so I have energy for the whole day. I'm really focusing on breakfast.''

Eating enough food and keeping on weight is a big deal for Kristaps, who has shown susceptibility to anemia, and continues to take iron pills. His mom is the real hero here, cooking a massive meal every morning for her baby boy.

But there are storm clouds on the horizon -- the Porzingis family's visas expire in March, which means Kristaps will lose his personal chef just as the Knicks' are entering the stretch run in the race for the postseason. This is the greatest health crisis to face this franchise since that time they let an Old West medicine man operate on Patrick Ewing's knees. They need to find a breakfast chef at least on par with Mama Porzingis.

Well fear not, my friends, for I just so happen to know the greatest personal breakfast chef of all time: my mother, Mary Ann Flynn.

Perhaps you feel your own mother (or father) is a superior cook. Well you're wrong ... dead wrong! My mom is to her breakfast griddle what Prince is to the guitar. Here griddle, by the way, is called "Excalibur."

French toast, pancakes, sausage, bacon, pork roll, eggs -- name a breakfast food, and she'll griddle it. She even has a backup griddle, courtesy of Christmas gifting mishap.

Want to get to the gym early, Kristaps? Fear not, for nobody wakes up earlier, nor with more energy, than my mom. It's actually kind of scary, really. She'll cook more breakfast food by 5:00 a.m. than most people do all week!

Let's get down to brass tacks here, Knicks. You need my mom to cook for Kristaps. But she won't come cheap. You're already paying Derek Fisher $5 million per year; I figure $1.5 million per year is a fair amount for a chef of this quality. We might be willing to go as low as $1.25 mil. She'll require an ironclad no-trade clause, of course, and certain performance-based incentives:

  • $100,000 for every Kristaps pound gained
  • $20,000 for every Kristaps double-double
  • $200,000 if Kristaps is named 1st team All-Rookie
  • $500,000 if Kristaps wins Rookie of the Year.

The rest of the details you can iron out with her attorney. Now is not the time to get cheap, Knicks. Unless you want to see an emaciated Kristaps stumbling down the court come April, I'd suggest you give her a call.