Clearly Julius Caesar wasn't a Knicks fan.
When the Roman general instituted a new calendar in the year 46 B.C.E., an extra day was added to the month of February every four years. Sorry, Julius, you Rubicon-crossing bastard, but the orange-and-blue faithful want no part of your so-called "February 29th." We're done with February.
How bad was the second month of 2016 for the Knicks? When they lost to the Warriors on January 31st they were four games below .500 -- a new season low, but nothing particularly spirit-crippling. So what happened in the interim? Let's see...
- The Knicks went 2-9 this month. Thank God for the All-Star break.
- They fired coach Derek Fisher and replaced him with an inferior coach in Kurt Rambis.
- Fans endured endless Carmelo Anthony trade rumors and trade rumor retractions and trade rumor denials and trade anti-rumors.
- The team stood pat at the trade deadline (absolutely the right move in the long run, but hella boring).
- Sasha Vujacic (9 games, 102 total minutes) played more often than Jerian Grant (8 games, 92 total minutes).
- The biggest story of the month's final game -- yet another dispiriting loss to Miami -- was Carmelo Anthony being asked questions about his support for Jeremy Lin back in 2012. Seriously, we still have to put up with this shit?
So, yeah, screw February. Let us borrow from the ancient Egyptians, who didn't try to shoehorn a day or two into their months. Those cats knew how to party! Per John Lowe, leader of the National Institute of Standards and Technology (NIST)'s Time & Frequency Division:
"When the Egyptians adopted [the 360-day] calendar they were aware that there was a problem, but they didn't add any more days to the calendar," says Lowe. "They just added an extra five days of festivals, of partying, at the end of the year."
I hereby declare, as a high priest of P&T, and with the blessing of the P&T pope Seth I, that this day is now the Feast of the First of Kristapsuary. This festival lasts throughout the entire month of Kristapsuary, which consists of one day.
Here's a handy guide for celebrating Kristapsuary 1st:
- Watch Kristaps Porzingis highlights until your eyes bleed. Here's a start.
- Wear your hair in cornrows.
- Consume a Kristaps-esque 5,000 calories (including three steaks!).
- If you must ride, remember to ride dirty.
- Dunk over your friends and family.
Got any more suggestions for Kristapsuary celebrations? Let us know in the comments section, and enjoy this lovely non-February day.