Dear Mr. Porzingis,
You recently disclosed that you have been courted by a few American universities in the past.
Kristaps Porzingis said he was recruited by a couple Division II schools through Facebook. Chose to become pro instead.— Stefan Bondy (@SBondyNYDN) March 18, 2016
While I salute you on your commitment to achieving success in the professional sphere, I believe you could be missing out on a fabulous opportunity to achieve in the world of academics as well. Let me introduce you to Posting & Toasting University, or PTU as the kids call it.
Founded in a cave near Antioch in the year 358 A.D. by two hermits, Postius and Toastanicus, who were exiled for teaching the youth how to ball, PTU has remained throughout history one of the most respected schools in the world. Our school motto: Quod Toney Douglas facit. Our school mascot: The Fightin' Olive.
You can join distinguished alumni such as Renaldo Balkman, Josh "Jorts" Harrelson and Pablo Prigioni.
Where is our campus, you ask? It's everywhere! Any time a child yearns to discover mediocre basketball, we are there. Any time Shawne Williams poops in a corner, we are there. Any time Cole Aldrich tucks his mouthpiece behind his ear, we...are...there. Won't you join us, Mr. Porzingis? Won't you become a Fightin' Olive?
Tuition is currently $200,000 per semester, though we do offer partial scholarships for Latvian exchange students.
(All Photoshop work courtesy of Stingy)