On Friday we learned that Knicks center Robin Lopez is planning to visit India.
Robin Lopez and Seth Curry will visit India (Mumbai & Noida) next week to promote basketball. More details: https://t.co/oau8o975Ii— Karan Madhok (@Hoopistani) April 22, 2016
Yeah, right ... "promote basketball." We all know why RoLo is travelling to the world's second-most populous nation: to continue his never-ending war against Earth's mascots.
Since we here at P&T support Lopez in his violent quest, our crack research team has provided a scouting report for each of India's deadliest mascots.
Let's begin with Stumpy, mascot of the 2010 Commonwealth Games:
(Photo credit: Hamish Blair/Getty Images)
Not only does this bastard have razor-sharp tusks, he wields a cricket bat as a weapon, Casey Jones-style. Robin will have to work the upper-body, as Stumpy's legs are protected by some kind of crude samurai armor.
Next up we have Shera, mascot of the 2010 Commonwealth Games:
(Photo credit: Ian Walton/Getty Images)
Don't let those sweet Bollywood dance moves fool you: We're talking about a live tiger who will maul you and your entire family if given the chance. Also, Shera has been known to travel around in a war chariot:
(Photo credit: Graham Crouch/Getty Images)
Once you've feasted on those mascots, Robin, it'll be time to step up to the Indian Premier League, a cricket confederation featuring perhaps the finest collection of club names on Earth. I'm talking about clubs like Rising Pune Supergiants and Kolkata Knight Riders. And let's not forget my favorite cricket club, the Chennai Super Kings, whose mascot is probably this guy:
Without a doubt, the final boss of IPL mascots is the duo of Rocky and Ranjit of the cricket club Kings XI Punjab. I don't know which is which, but I do know that the one on the left clearly has been working out:
Holy crap this mascot has a six pack! pic.twitter.com/GxTFir1Kk3— Joseph Flynn (@ChinaJoeFlynn) April 23, 2016
That lion/pharaoh thing is the Indian mascot version of Ivan Drago. He will try to break you. Anything he hits, he destroys. You better start hitting the gym immediately, Mr. Lopez. Humanity's honor is at stake.