Like many of you I recently sat down to check the ESPN "World Fame 100" list, cheerfully expecting to see a fresh new face upon the scene. You can imagine my surprise, then, when I could not find Kristaps Porzingis among those 100 names. For God's sake, the guy's nickname is "WorldStar"! He came in at No. 4 in the NBA in jersey sales this past season, and one of the three players ahead of him just retired! Are all these people buying Porzingis jerseys somehow not a part of the world? Did that spacecraft that took all the photos of Pluto also drop off a shitload of orange-and-blue No. 6's? I FEEL LIKE I'M TAKING CRAZY PILLS HERE!!!
OK, let's take a look at this so-called list. Who are the Latvian athletes ranked ahead of Kristaps? Oh, that's right ... there are none. Cool, so they just left off one of the planet's athletic superpowers for a bunch of made-up spots like "The U.S. Virgin Islands" and "Wales". Yeah, nothing fishy here. I couldn't help but notice a complete lack of former Soviet Republics outside of Russia and Ukraine. I guess Moldova and Tajikistan don't even count anymore, huh?
So which NBA players are supposedly more famous than Kristaps?
No. 91: Rudy Gay. This is already the stupidest list in the history of mankind.
No. 90: Tim Duncan. OK, that's fair.
No. 87: Deron Williams. And we're back to the stupidest list in the history of mankind.
No. 78: Amar'e Stoudemire. Was this voted on exclusively by wine bath enthusiasts?
No. 68: Chris Bosh. Makes sense considering the box office success of Jurassic World last summer.
No. 67: Kevin Love. Votes bought and paid for by the chocolate milk lobby.
No. 60: Jeremy Lin. He's a spokesperson for KFC in China, which is pretty big deal over there.
Nos. 54, 48, 45, 43, 39, 34, 33: James Harden, Russell Westbrook, Damian Lillard, Blake Griffin, Chris Paul, Dwight Howard, Stephen Curry, Dwyane Wade. Steph is No. 34, huh?
No. 30: Derrick Rose. Ya know, just because you google the word "rose" doesn't mean you're looking for this guy. You may in fact be looking for lyrics to the Seal classic "Kiss From a Rose".
No. 29: Carmelo Anthony. But does his fame come from athletics or his starring role in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows?
No. 11: Kobe Bryant. Is no longer an athlete.
No. 6: Kevin Durant. Needs to join the Lakers to increase his profile, according to every Lakers fan ever.
No. 2: LeBron James. Bulk of his fame comes from the "Does he really drive a KIA?" scandal.
This list is bad. It should make people feel bad. I should feel bad for writing about it. Pay us Earthlings no mind, Kristaps. We know not what we do. If you feel like teleporting to a world that truly appreciates you, we will understand.