That damn wiener kid, Jordan the Crying Knicks fan, is back in the news again. Not merely content with his 15 minutes of fame, he attended Kristaps Porzingis’s basketball camp, so that the Unicorn may purify him with blocks.
Ethically speaking, this whole situation has me torn. This kid, and all the other Kristaps doubters out there, deserve to be punished. Doubting Kristaps on draft night is not an unforgivable sin — Jesus forgave the doubting apostle Thomas, after all — but a penance must be paid. If you were mad on draft night because you wanted the Knicks to draft, say, Justise Winslow, you should do penance by watching a highlight of Kristaps blocking Winslow’s shot (1:34 mark in this video) for an hour or two. Then your conscience will be clear.
But what of those who hated on Kristaps and ended up gaining from the experience? I’m talking about the likes of Crying Knicks Kid and Stephen A. Smith. It’s not enough for Kristaps to block their shot a few times in a basketball camp (uploaded to his own Crying Knicks Fan Instagram, no less). There are really only two acceptable punishments. Either Kristaps must ignore them completely, or he must follow them around, blocking their shot every time they pick up a basketball, for the rest of their lives. Kristaps must break their spirits. In their hubris, these people believed they knew better than Kristaps, and that pride must be taken from them.
Kristaps Porzingis will soon return to dispense justice upon the rest of the NBA, but there are other skeptical sinners out there who must be purified, even in our own midst. The path of the righteous Kristaps fan is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the “we don’t want another soft Euro” fan through the valley of darkness, for he is truly Jānis and Mārtiņš’ brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And Kristaps will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy his true believers. And you will know his name is the Unicorn when he lays his vengeance upon thee.