Hope you guys brought your reading glasses today, because I’ve got approximately enough links to feed your average Melo for three hours (or a normal person for 2.72 days).
But first, a little listening material, a day late in honor of Notorious BIG’s birthday. My favorite song has and always will be Gimme the Loot, because rappers just don’t tell stories like this anymore:
And, hey, guess who was feeling inspired last night? This guy!
Remember the BIG song “Ten Crack Commandments?” Of course you do, that shit’s a classic. Well, I made up the “Ten Knicks Commandments” for fun:
It’s the Ten Knicks Commandments, uh
Rule Numero Uno, never let Joakim know, how much bread you hold
‘Cause you know, that cheddar breed injury, lack of produc-tiv-ity
His knee gets fucked up, then ya ass stuck up (with his contract)
Number two, never let ‘em know your next move
Don’t you know Phil move on Twitter in a flitter?
Take it from Carmelo
Phil done typed mad quips for bricks and ball sticks
Number three, never trust no-booty
Phil’ll look that ass up, properly touch that mass up
Peyote’d and smoked up, shit, give ya 20 million bucks
Rambis layin’ in the bushes to feel that ass up
Number four, I know you heard this before
Never let JR get high on your own supply
Number five, never play no D in the key
Don’t fight over the pick, what if you touch their dick?!
Number six, that goddamn credit? Melo ain’t get it
You think Melo helped with that win? Shit, forget it
Seven, this rule is so underrated
Keep your team and your band separated
Blues and ball don’t mix like JD’s band and one hit
Try to hit the fans with your spit
Number eight, never keep no food on you
Curry will eat your breakfast, lunch, and your dinner too
Number nine, shoulda been number one to Jimmy D
If you hear Oakley brag you get the fuckin’ police
If you hear him bitchin’, tell security they ain’t gotta listen
Then Oak can milk it for a minute, all from his old grit
Number ten, a strong word called Porzingis
You wake up every day and worship to Kris
If Rose ain’t give him the ball say “hell no!”
Kristaps gon’ need his shots rain sleet hail snow
Follow these rules and you’ll have mad wins to talk up
If not, 44 years you’re gonna suck, yup
Alright, enough shenanigans, let’s get to some Knicks links:
— Lots of Derrick Rose today, after he had an above-average offensive game the other day. First, from Chris Herring (please come back to us, Chris, pleeeeaaaase!), a look at how Derrick Rose manages to be as successful from mid-range as he is, despite his jumper looking like he aimed it using a laser level. Classic Chris Herring statistical analysis, with shit like Derrick Rose’s bank-shot frequency peppered in there.
— From Marc Berman of the NY Post, Derrick Rose’s relatively good health this year is attributed to him working with current UCLA football strength coach and disgraced former New York Jets strength coach Sal Alosi.
— From Steve Popper of the Bergen Record, Derrick Rose is auditioning for his next role. I like Popper, but dude, duh.
— Berman writes about Rose maybe being interested in the Bucks, on the back of this extremely depressing quote:
“Of course this is like home,’’ Rose told The Post before the Knicks’ 104-93 loss to the Bucks Wednesday. “Only an hour-thirty away. Easy for [family] to come, but they usually don’t come.”
Let’s break this down real quick. Milwaukee is “like home” to Rose because it’s only 90 minutes from Chicago. It’s easy for his family to come there, and yet they don’t. And that, to him, is “like home.” Damn, Derrick.
— Isola and Barker write that Melo wants to play 20 seasons in the NBA, and join recently-inducted Dirk Nowitzki in the 30,000 point club. Honestly, I hope he gets it. It’ll certainly help his Hall of Fame resume if he sticks out the rest of his career with the Knicks and never gets a title.
Lastly, Seth posts, ranked:
(I’m leaving the titles intentionally vague so that you go and actually read them)
10. The Intro
Now, argue amongst yourselves what Seth’s greatest masterpiece is and tell me how shitty my list is! Go!