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Nets 121, Knicks 110: ‘Life is easier when you cheer for the likely outcome...L’

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I watched this game on the toilet bowl in an Italian restaurant and I’m here to tell you all about it

NBA: Brooklyn Nets at New York Knicks Anthony Gruppuso-USA TODAY Sports

This recap is late and there are two perfectly valid explanations for that.

Reason the first: I was dragged out for Italian by my parents and watched the game on the crapper. The dinner was nice, had eggplant parm!

Reason the second: I maaaaaayyyyy have written a recap earlier this afternoon in anticipation of a Knicks win. I may have. But, as P&Ter Willy Hernangorgeous Stole My Heart pointed out, how dare I be so pompous as to think the Knicks would win this game? Beating the Nets? Naaahhh, that’s unreasonable. I eventually went home to watch the first half I originally missed, but for me, the story of this game is the story of a kid who wanted it all — nice dinner, decent Knicks basketball, tasty dessert, straightforward recap — and only wound up with the dinner.

Let me give you a rundown of how things went, bear with me:

Act 1:

7:41 PM: Enter Italian restaurant. Knicks are winning, but it’s still too early to get excited. For clarity, yeah I’ve embraced the tank side, but I can’t bear the thought of losing to the Nets. I don’t care how bad they are and I don’t care how close we are to getting Lonzo Ball — pride is at stake here, folks.

Side note: Have the Knicks just recently upped the pettiness by calling themselves “the home team” against the Nets, or has this been going on a while? Clearly, I have not been paying attention.

8:36 PM: Halftime approaches, the Knicks are up 46-37. Phewf, looks like the recap I wrote was going to hold up, all I’d have to do is add the notes. Also, the Knicks wouldn’t lose to the beyond-trash Nets at home, right? Yeah, Kristaps Porzingis was out. Whatever. They just beat the Pacers and that club is going to the playoffs. There’s no way they can lose to the Nets AGAIN, draft picks be damned.

8:52 PM: Halftime arrives. New York is up 61-54. Alright, no bad surprises. A good surprise? My eggplant parm was served with a side of crab cakes. An odd pairing, but I dug it. It was awesome. I was kinda eyeing the stuff the people at the table beside us ordered, but after I got those crab cakes, I was sure I’d made the right choice. A bit like when the Knicks watch Frank Kaminsky/D’Angelo Russell/Jahlil Okafor play.

Act 2:

9:27 PM: Feeling kinda stuffed, I wanna leave room for dessert so I think I’ll throw in the towel here. Lemmie check the score right quick...

9:28 PM: You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me.

Act 3:

9:40 PM: I head to the bathroom to watch the rest of the game on my phone from the toilet. This cannot be happening. I needed to will this game in the other direction.

10:10 PM: My attempts at willing the game in the other direction were unsuccessful. At least I have dessert, though.

10:11 PM: My parents already got the bill. No dessert for me, plus now I have to explain what I was doing in the bathroom for a half hour. Ha, just kidding. They knew I was watching basketball.

This was a true story. A tragedy in 500 words. Tank, I guess. Also, the Knicks owe me a free dessert, and y’know, all 21 years of my life back.

Time for dessert!

— News:

...nah

maybe don't overexert the poor guy if he’s hurt.

I call this the “reverse-Spurs.” Knicks always beat them, though.

...or maybe, just rest.

— Quincy Acy: He scored 9 points coming off the bench for Brooklyn. Amongst those nine points, he hit a three pointer. Remember when Quincy would always try those long distance shots in 2014 and they’d look like they were gonna CHOF but in fact they were 8 feet wide? I tried to block that out of my memory, as well. Believe me. But tonight, he tried two and made one. Jokes on y’all, you’re losing draft positioning! Oh right, you sold your souls to Boston for a few years of Paul Pierce and Kevin Garnett. Forgot.

— Lance Thomas: Our super sub got a double-double!!!! Lance Thomas scored 15 points and grabbed 10 rebounds, while also dishing an assist in the process. In his last few spot starts for Melo/KP, he has been delightful. No really, where he’s been lacking in pure explosiveness, he has more than made up for in usefulness. Nice game, Lance!

— Carmelo Anthony: This one’s for the tankers; Melo went 0-6 from deep.

He finished with 17 points, 6 rebounds and 5 assists. Moving on, now!

— Derrick Rose: Basketball analytics are complicated because they combine so many extremely nuanced statistics into one amalgamated number. DRose scored 22 points and added 2 rebounds in this game, but ended with a +/- of -13. He also only had 2 assists. I don’t know about y’all, but point guards are supposed to be facilitators. Papa Seth wrote a piece a while back asking why the Knicks couldn’t be boring. I’d love the Knicks to just have a point guard that was boring, let alone the entire franchise. Meanwhile, Ricky Rubio....ugh.

— Chasson Randle: HE HAD 2 ASSISTS IN 6 MINUTES. 2. 6. ROSE. KJXDNEIRFJRIXEEOERFORF.

— The Centers: Kyle O’Quinn did nicely tonight. He dropped 23 points, had 8 rebounds and even dished three assists. I mean, the shit just writes itself. Willy Hernangomez, conversely, played super badly tonight. He had 4 points on 2-7 shooting, grabbed 6 rebounds, and went to the free throw line zero times, which is suboptimal.

— Justin Holiday: For the love of God please keep him. If DRose is still on this team next year and Holiday isn’t, I’m gonna have a conniption. He scored 10 points today from off the bench, which is unspectacular, but he also dished 2 dimes against zeros turnovers, blocked a shot, a nabbed a steal. Wow that would be nice to have next year.

— Three Point Shooting: 3-16. No Bueno.

— Pettiness levels: high.

***

I’m going to the drive thru for a McFlurry, and so should you. You deserve it. The Knicks are heading out west for a four-game swing, which kicks off with a Monday night meeting with the Clippers. Do you think Kahlua would taste good in a McFlurry?