With none of the fanfare of the 90’s Bulls or 2000-03 Lakers, the 2017 Knicks are on the verge of a suckage three-peat. Two years ago, at 17-65, New York’s winning % was .207. Last year, they peaked at 22-22 before finishing 10-28 (.263). This season, 14-10 was mere burlesque before a 13-34 fade (this was written before the Portland game) for a very NC-17 .277 (and fading) finish.

Add up the losing runs and, thanks to the sub-.300 play, the Knicks have basically been a 20-win team for most of the Phil Jackson era (if you round up). Oops. What’s a girl to do? Blind yourself to the forest of despair with mad stat trees, that’s what. Everybody knows the Knicks are bad. But how well do you know these bad mother/shut your mouths? Take the quiz! See what your score says about you. There isn’t enough arbitrary self-referentialism nowadays. Come get some.

Questions

1) Who leads the Knicks in deflections?

2) Name the four Knicks who’ve drawn more than one charge this season.

3) The Knicks have a player in the top-10 for contesting two-point shots and another in the top-10 contesting three-point shots. Who are they?

4) Actually, a Knick leads the NBA in two-point shots contested, more than 100 ahead of second-place Rudy Gobert. Who he be?

5) Derrick Rose leads the Knicks with just over 78 touches per game - no surprise there. Porzingis is slightly ahead of Melo for second; no surprise those are the three leaders. Who’s fourth?

6) Rose leads the team in time of possession, way ahead of the second-place Anthony. Who’s third?

7) Rose also leads the team in number of seconds per touch. Who’s second?

8) Who leads the Knicks with an opponent FG% of just 40%?

9) Turns out there’s a stat that tracks opponent’s free throw percentage. What Knick’s foulee’s have hit the worst percentage at the line?

10) Which Knick has had the highest percentage of his field goals assisted? I guess that’s the non-dick way of asking which Knick has no moves.

Answers

1) Carmelo Anthony, with 125. FYI, that’s more than current DPOY candidate Rudy Gobert and former DPOY Marc Gasol. So really, the question isn’t “Carmelo: great defender?” but “Carmelo: Greatest Defender?”

2) Rose, Justin Holiday, Willy Hernangomez, Joakim Noah. Seems like a low number, don’t it? Must be the Triangle’s fault, too.

3) Kristaps (6th) and Melo (9th).

4) Robin Lopez. Oh, RoLo’s not a Knick! My bad. Must’ve been a dream. It’s not like the Knicks would ever land an in-his-prime two-way big on a good contract proven to show growth in the Triangle or anything like that. Not when there’s a former NATIONAL BASKETBALL ASSOCIATION MOST VALUABLE PLAYER to be had.

A Bargnani-level surrealism colors the whole Rose experiment. Like, last summer you have a ball-dominant Melo and a rookie stud in KP...so you trade your best signing from a year ago and a first-round pick to rent someone even more ball-dominant. I’m not gonna miss him, but when he’s gone, we’ll lose the tragicomedy of the Bargument-level polemics Rose inspires in comments sections. It’s gonna feel like when you finally quit picking a long-running scab. Whatever that means to you, that’s what I’m saying.

5) Joakim Noah: POINT. CENTER.

6) Courtney Lee. It doesn’t make sense until you consider it, then it does. I bet there’s a word in German for that.

7) Chasson Randle. Ron Baker is third. Right?!

8) “NBA star Sasha Vujacic.”

9) Looking past Chasson ‘cuz it’s cheap to use him twice, Willy Hernangomez’s victims have hit 74% of their free throws.

10) Holiday (86.2%).

Scoring

If you got any of these right, you’re either lucky or a sicko. Whatever. You’re fam. Much love.