Fun with Knicks and FaceApp

Perhaps you’ve seen these collages all over the internets with weird, creepy, computer-morphed faces? “What is that?” you wondered, maybe. “Why the hell would I want to see what Steve Bannon looks like as a woman?” you may have screamed, internally. “Where are these things coming from and what do they have to do with my favorite basketball team?” you pondered, possibly.

Journey with me, my friends, down the rabbit hole.

P&T’s own James Marceda kicked things off in the most disturbing way with pictures of James Dolan that will haunt your dreams:

James Marceda

You will notice that Old Dolan is Ronald Reagan with a ginger beard. This explains many, many things. Personally I prefer Girl Dolan, who looks like a friendly kindergarten teacher. Teaching, perhaps, Evil Child Dolan, who wants to do very bad things TO YOUR SOUL. None of this is shocking.

Next up we have Carmelo Anthony, long may he reign.

The first thing you notice is that Girl Melo is beautiful, which is not surprising. The next thing you see is the ungodly pixel-mapping that is Old Melo. It’s not as scary as the 2K15 face morph glitches, but Face App appears to work best on lighter skin tones. It also makes Melo look just like my dad (an old Chinese guy). Wheels within wheels. Do not think - do.

“What about KP?!?” You’re clamoring. I hear you, my lovelies. Voilà:

Notes: Girl KP is a dead ringer for my cousin Beth, who is awesome but not very good at basketball, as far as I know. Old KP is disturbingly Mike Pence-esque. Young KP is just regular KP, because KP is young.

Justin Holiday

In a pattern we will see again, Girl Justin is very attractive. Also very, very familiar. Like, I’m almost positive I know this person. She’s that super-talented volleyball player who eats on the other side of the dining hall with a lot of her athletic friends. You’ve never actually talked to but she seems really nice and manages to wear just plain old sweats — not fancy athleisure crap — and look incredibly cool. Young Justin is a total twerp and pokes you over and over and then runs away. Old-Justin is where the Holiday family peels back the layers and shows that they are actually made of the Matrix. This is why you never see Jrue in a bathtub.

Mindaugas Kuzminskas

Have to admit I was surprised by this one. I thought Girl Kuz would be more Claudia Schiffer-esque, but instead it turns out she is sort of Mary Lou Retton-y. Old Kuz is exactly what you imagine Papa Kuzminskas to be like: a kindly Eastern European man who will offer you some cepelinai and a Švyturys on a cold day.

Lance Thomas

OK, Girl Lance is gorgeous. Just flat-out beautiful. She’s got Bette Davis eyes. Young Lance is somewhat confused by the world around him. Old Lance has had a tough time and regrets that he didn’t wear more sunscreen. He’s got problems with glaucoma now so his eyes are always red and watery from the medicinal marijuana, which also helps with the pain where they sewed his forehead on.

Joakim Noah

There you were, faithful Knick fan, living your life and doing your do, never knowing that your (sometime) starting Center was young Wendy Williams. Don’t know what else to say about that. Young Jo is exactly what he is, a kid going to UNIS, hoping he won’t get into trouble for this, since all his friends have diplomatic immunity. Old Jo is often treated like a mascot among the younger folks in the tropical town where he lives, because he has so many stories and knows where all the best breaks are. He rides a horse up and down the beach every morning at 6am and makes his own kombucha.

Marshall Plumlee

Girl Marshall is also on the volleyball team and to be perfectly honest really is named Becky. She is obviously still dating her high school boyfriend back home, but sparks are flying with the captain of the rowing team so who knows? Young Marshall is exactly what young Marshall looked like. Kudos, random app. Old-Marshall is considering a political career once he retires from his podiatry practice.

Willy Hernangomez

You think Girl Willy is another volleyball player but she’s not. She’s a candy-striper at the hospital and is going to nursing school. Young Willy is about to be busted for using a fake ID. Old Willy has had enough of your shit, young man, and just wants to gaze pensively at the sea while thinking about fishing. He will wup you upside the head if you disturb him.

You are encouraged, my lovely chickadees, to add your own. Ron? D-Rose? Phil?