Greetings, my blue-tailed skinks. Today is the day. The day that we were anticipating. The day that we were dreading. The day the ping pong balls bounce. The day when you must have luck on your side.
We here at P&T have a long tradition of humbly, achingly, devotedly beseeching the favor of the Basketball Gods. Yea, many spleens have been sacrificed and many lambs removed by our faithful flock, all to placate the Supreme Beings who continue to punish us for the sins of our Dolanfathers. And you know what? Those lambs and spleens got us a Latvian Unicorn. We can do this.
You know what that means. Once again we must unite and allow the vibrations of our hope to travel through the ether and NAB THOSE BALLS. Join me, darlings.
Paper, pen, scimitar*, a willing heart, vocal chords.
First, I need you to tear two (2) little pieces of paper.
Write “8” on one:
and “5” on the other:
These represent 1985, which as you know is the last (& only) time the Knicks won the lottery. Also the only time the Knicks have ever moved up. We need the power of '85. Also, 8-5=3, and Top 3 is where we wanna be!
Now blow on each one to cool it down, to signify the holy frozen envelope. Then put one paper in each front pocket. Doesn’t matter which one, Basketball Gods love dyslexics too.
Now take out your scimitar and stand in the middle of the room. Hold your scimitar above your head and ululate while turning three (3) times in one direction. Then turn four (4) times the other way (now you can stop ululating). Try to think of both Charles Oakley and Madison Square Garden as you turn, turn, turn the strife into something whole again.
Lay your scimitar down at your feet, rise, look to the television and say out loud, “in the name of Clyde, we beseech thee.”
Leave the papers in your pockets for long enough to forget why they were there.
Make sure to eat a snack.
One love. Go the Knicks.
*You will note that I am using a machete. Those are not blood stains. If you do not have a scimitar, it’s fine to use a machete, a katana, or a cutlass. Whatever you do, don’t use a spadroon.