Happy Turkey Day, everyone!
Rather than wonder what the Knicks have to be thankful for (not being a mismanaged tire fire, having young players with upside, having a Unicorn), my rotund brain has gone to a strange place where I’m wondering what Thanksgiving dinner items the Knicks would be, if they were food and not basketball playing humans.
This list was completed using a new, complex formula called KAFOBOSANS (Knicks As Food Only Based On Stats And Not Silliness), so you know that there’s SCIENCE involved here. Drew Steele even approved my formula and will be using it in future iterations of Drew’s Clues.
Without further ado, let’s get rolling:
Tim Hardaway Jr.: Turkey
Turkey is the backbone of any Thanksgiving meal, and could be either the highlight of the night or a nightmarish lowlight.
Much like that fateful 10-minute-or-so range after hours of cooking and basting that determines whether your turkey is legendary and moist or shitty and dry, Hardaway needs his sweet spot role to be his best. And while most people probably wouldn’t say that turkey is their favorite food of Thanksgiving, ultimately, it’s the one thing that everyone’s putting on their plate.
Kevin Knox: Brussels sprouts
Brussels sprouts are an interesting dish. If done right — say, halved, cooked face-down in butter in a cast iron skillet, finished in the oven and drizzled with balsamic reduction — they can turn into one of the best dishes of the night. If you shoddily boil them and throw a little salt and pepper on top, they’re gross.
Likewise, Knox is an enigma for now — all the potential in the world, but he just needs to be nurtured and utilized properly. I would not, however, recommend drizzling balsamic reduction on him. Very sticky.
Allonzo Trier: Canned cranberry sauce
First, let’s get this out of the way: I apologize to your mom, my mom, and any other person that has ever tried to make cranberry sauce with actual cranberries from scratch, but the canned log of cranberry jelly is the only acceptable form of cranberry sauce.
So why is Iso Zo cranberry sauce? Because, much like cranberry sauce and its roughly $1.50 price tag, he’s costing the Knicks barely anything as an undrafted two-way player, and yet he’s been one of the best parts of this season so far. Also, if you’re like me, you put your cranberry sauce away from all the gravies and stuff because gravy + cranberry sauce = gross. You might say that you... isolate it. Waka waka!
Frank Ntilikina: Mashed potatoes
Frank as potatoes? Seems kind of weird, but I have my reasons!
Mashed potatoes are undeniably awesome. Silky and smooth, much like Frank’s debonair sense of style. But they’re also a versatile blank canvas that can be made way more awesome with the right toppings. Just some butter? Awesome! Gravy? Classic! Sour cream and chives? Hell yeah! Much like Frank and his versatile 6-foot-7 frame and 7-plus foot wingspan, mashed potatoes have the potential to be whatever you want them to be.
Emmanuel Mudiay: Green bean casserole
Green bean casserole looks pretty weird and gross. But if it’s done right, it’s actually quite tasty! Green beans with cream of mushroom soup and crispy fried onions on top can be pretty killer if you do it correctly.
I’m not saying Mudiay himself is weird or gross, but his game certainly was before this year. But maybe some of that latent potential is coming out, as he’s been playing a lot better lately.
Noah Vonleh: Steak
I know, steak’s not normally on the Thanksgiving menu. But Vonleh’s got the BEEF, and so we’ll say that he’s the steak that you cook for that one relative that’s allergic to poultry. Just a little salt and pepper is all it takes. Simple but awesome.
Courtney Lee: Salad
Salad is both good and good for you, and yet you could probably leave it entirely off of your Thanksgiving plate and not miss it in the slightest.
Trey Burke: Regular mashed sweet potatoes
Maybe you don’t love the mashed sweet potatoes quite as much as the regular mashed potatoes, but that’s alright. They’re still really good, and definitely worth keeping on the plate. Just probably shouldn’t be starting over the regular mashed potatoes in the long run.
Mario Hezonja: Candied sweet potatoes
You really want to love this marshmallow-covered monstrosity because it’s so sweet and likable looking... But ultimately, this is dessert food and it kinda sucks on a plate full of savory food.
Damyean Dotson: Stuffing
Stuffing is not only delicious, but also the glue that holds a good plate of Thanksgiving food together. Dot, similarly, has been a consistent “glue guy” for the Knicks this year, playing his role well as a 3-and-D specialist and generally taking any promotions/demotions in stride.
Mitchell Robinson: Mystery dish that turns out delicious
In my case, this would be artichokes au gratin that my fiancee cooks to perfection. Much like MitchRob in the second round, sometimes the unknown dish becomes one of your favorites for years to come.
Luke Kornet: Green beans
Luke just kinda looks like a big string bean, doesn’t he?
Lance Thomas: Homemade cranberry sauce
A lot of time and effort was put into this dish, but it’s just not that good, sorry. Likewise, Lance Thomas has clearly put a lot of time and effort into his game, but just isn’t very good.
Ron Baker: Bread
Just think about it for a minute.
Enes Kanter: Apple pie
Apple pie is loved by many, and certainly has its moments. But all in all, it’s pretty overrated.
Kristaps Porzingis: Pumpkin pie
The sweet treat at the end of the meal, much like how our Unicorn figures to be towards the tail end of this season. Pumpkin pie is easily a top-five dessert, and Porzingis is on a clear trajectory towards top-five player once he gets back from his injury. Feel free to @ me on both counts.