Ho ho ho! It’s almost Christmas! If you’re anything like me, you haven’t quite gotten around to this whole gift buying thing. Oops. And if you don’t celebrate Christmas, then you’re definitely like me on the whole not-buying-Christmas-presents front. Maybe you just like holiday sales? No judgements.
Luckily, the Knicks online store is here, with last minute shipping still available on a trove of rare and wonderful treasures. Whether for you or the New York Knickerbockers lover in your life, come with me on a journey to the wonder that is the Knicks Team Shop.
Let’s start easy, with the Hands High Grey Pullover Hoodie. It’s a nice sweatshirt that interestingly features a New York Knicks logo in the armpit. Go Team! You totally do not stink!
Do you have an OG Knicks fan in your life? Someone who remembers the Championship teams and also still has an iPhone 4? Congratulations! Behold the perfect stocking stuffer: an Old Man Knickerbocker iPhone 4 Case. Retro!
Have the Knicks led you to drink? You’re not alone!
Happily, the Team Shop is well-stocked with boozing accessories. From the low-brow and not obviously branded 12 oz Dads Rule Can Cooler,
to the rather more upscale Brown Madison Tabletop Bar,
slipping into sweet sweet oblivion is easy to do surrounded by your friends at MSG. Just don’t let James Dolan catch you!
If, on the other hand, the Knicks inspire you to your own athletic pursuits, you’re still covered. Hell yeah, it’s the Lucky Explorers 29” Mountain Bike! (Yours for only $629.29.)
Ladies are the real winers in the Knicks Online Store sweepstakes. From Miss Fanatic New York Knicks Women’s Fringe Bikini Top
to Miss Fanatic New York Knicks Leopard Print Bikini Bottom (this is a family blog, you’re gonna have to click the link for a pic), fashion-forward ladies can array themselves in the finest Knicks attire.
Who would not feel superfine and superwarm this winter stepping out in Women’s New York Knicks Cuce Shoes Black Victorious Boots? They’re so Knicks-y, so basketball-y.
Although not, perhaps, as sporty as the Cuce Shoes New York Knicks Rookie Wedge Boots - perfect for a gal who loves to party and has ankles of steel.
Is there a thong? Yes there’s a thong.
And then there is this, my favorite item in the entire Knicks Fan Shop, the pinnacle of Knicks gear, the only thing I want for Christmas: the New York Knicks Touch by Alyssa Milano Rose Gold Bring It Metallic Anorak Full-Zip Jacket. Behold:
Note that this is a “lightweight jacket suitable for mild climates.” Personally, I’m just happy to be alive at a time when this jacket exists on earth.
Yes, that Alyssa Milano. Perhaps you are unaware that Alyssa Milano has a wildly successful business designing women’s team branded sportswear? It is true. She also models many of the styles:
including maternity wear!
And now items for those of us who like to decorate with the Knicks!
Maybe you need a Kristaps Porzingis Pillow Head? They say it’s a pillow but it’s pretty clear that’s a whoopee cushion. And if it isn’t a whoopee cushion then what the hell is it for?
At least it’s a pretty good likeness. Unlike this, the much-sought-after Courtney Lee OYO Sports Home Jersey Player Minifigure.
Courtney Lee! (but no one else on the team) knockoff LEGO! Yes!
How well do you sleep? Pretty well? HA HA HA, not anymore!
Meet your new friend and nightmare-fuel Kristaps Porzingis New York Knicks Resin Player Gnome. Put this baby by your bed and never know rest again!
Lastly, you’ll be pleased to know there’s still time to have a Knicks-themed holiday.
Are you a lazy basketball fan who likes to sink into a gaudy yet comfy chair and watch your favorite team? Do you ever wish there was a way to convey this essential part of your personality on a Christmas tree? Well here’s an ornament for you! It’s the New York Knicks Reclining Chair Ornament.
Please note the exquisite craftsmanship on this keepsake.
Is your Knicks tree still bare? Is it bare because you’re missing $13.4M a year? Then you need the New York Knicks Joakim Noah Player Elf Ornament!
There’s an elf ready to get scrappy, as long as it’s off the court!
Keeping him in line is our ultimate item, which speaks to the hopes and fears of the season, and is the perfect mascot for our times. They could have made anything, my friends, and they chose to make this. For us. Submitted without further comment: