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Let’s listen to James Dolan’s new single

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JD & The Straight Suck

Madison Square Garden Celebrates Finish Of Multi Year Construction Project Photo by Andrew Burton/Getty Images

James Dolan took to the vaunted stage of Fox 5’s Good Day New York to perform his dulcet new personal acquittal of his continued peripheral involvement in sexual harassment and assault.

What he’s missed is a chance to do something important. Dolan’s confused ramble during the interview peered over the Me Too cliff to see if his friend, Harvey, “and others” were still at the bottom. While Dolan is trying to lay down some heavy sentimental tracks, what we’re really left with is a decidedly confused old white man who doesn’t want to get swept up in or with this movement. He would rather make a deliberately vague ode to the possibility of changing the past. JD offers no vision for the future and no path to successfully snuff out the plague now. This goof owns MSG Networks. He can do more than say he didn’t find out until it was too late.

Interview aside, the song itself is a wet sock of an affair. It begins by squishing out a supposedly heartfelt bit of fiddling, as most unaware songs about sexual assault probably do. Then Mr. Dolan quietly sticks his dry-mouthed red worm in your ear as he burbles out the unpoetic lyrics. The gentle push of the band flows over you like a Snuggie. Dolan’s ragged and buffoonish swells of vocalization are smoothed out by the Straight Shot’s steady timbre. The fiddle comes back around to do some of the heavy lifting that the singing and lyrics unsuccessfully attempt. Some goofy “oohwoo’s” carry us down a few more bars. Then the song plants to a halt, lingering on the line “I should have known”. An open call to the void where echos don’t exist.

JD & The Straight Suck

Mr. Dolan inhabits the type of charm that an oozing Poligrip adhesive cream might evoke. His stage presence is awkward and static. Occasionally jabbing a very jazzy pointer finger for emphasis. Alternating between making puppy dog eyes at the camera or shutting his heavy lids to fall deeply into the trance of the perceived moment. He looks like a Chicken McNugget Buddy that didn’t make the final cut.

The saddest part of it all is that it’s actually impossible for Mr. Dolan to say he didn’t know. Lest he be unable to say the name, Anucha Browne Sanders. The same Anucha Browne Sanders who averaged 11.9 points per game as a freshman and 30.5 as a senior at Northwestern. Dropping her squarely in at 21 PPG for her career and earning her a spot in the Northwestern Athletics Hall of Fame. Unfortunately Browne Sanders was barely able to make that type of numerical leap after she was fired for not accepting abuse at MSG. She took Dolan and his underlings to the courts, only averaging $11.55 million dollars in punitive damages ($11.6m) and out of court settlements ($11.5m).

Well anyway, he’s not great, but he is a story teller. I give this song negative 11.6 million mics.